SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm coping a lot better with the pain at the moment although I'm still triggered a lot and still angry at the unfairness of it all.

One thing I often get stuck in is the selfishness of cheating. This disgusts me more than the physical act. Although my WH did not spend any money or large amounts of time with the AP (a few booty calls then mainly sexts)...it baffles, angers and disgusts me that he could be so selfish! I really had him down as a shirt off his back kind of guy so to find out he'd choose to satisfy his own selfish needs without thinking about the consequences for his wife and kids is such a difficult hurdle to overcome! I guess it would be the same if his escapism took the form of alcohol, drugs or gambling I just feel as a mum I had no choice but to put my children first and I would never do anything to jeopardise theirs or my WHs happiness or security especially not for my own selfish needs.

Is there a way to work on overcoming this? Is there any waywards mothers who could give me their perspective? I know women and mothers chest too (the AP was a married mother).

I can only picture what I know and keep thinking it means my WH can't have loved the children as much as me.

Evio - I don't know if this helps, but it occurs to me that many cheaters, especially men, think of their cheating as their "private life". It's the compartmentalization that we often read about.....they have a family life with you and the kids, with certain roles, actions, activities, whatever.....and then they have what they regard as a "private life", which they often consider that they fund, and it's a type of recreation, or whatever that they think of as uniquely theirs....like a hobby, that they fund and that (to them) it has no effect on their other role of husband/father. As absurd as it sounds, I think many of them regard it like a golf hobby or hunting, etc. of course, they don't consider the impact mental, emotional, financial, and often physical (STDs) their "hobby" might have on their wife, or others. They don't think of the energy and time it might take away from the wife and family. They don't think about their vows. My father was a violent alcoholic - he didn't cheat as far as I know (I really don't think so) but the thought as long as he kept working and providing basic things like a home, food, etc, through his work, he was somehow entitled to this. It wasn't a "private" hobby in the sense that it happened in front of us and impacted us directly - it sure wasn't a secret - but many people think like this. I work and I'm entitled to a private life that I fund with MY income and it doesn't affect my home life because I still come home and spend family time, whatever. I think that's some of the psychology that goes into this. It's very limited, self serving thinking, but.....there it is. A lot of people, especially men, think like this, especially if they are not putting emotional investment into their APs, whatever type they are. Nor do I give any validity to this type of thinking, but I think even now, it's fairly common. It plays into the "what they don't know won't hurt them" mindset.

As for kids....I think many men are not as invested in their kids as mothers are, especially babies and small kids, and that may just be a biological thing. Women carry, nurse and take care of the little ones so they are inherently more bound to them than others who may care, but not as much. It's not as direct or personal. For many men, it might seem like more of an obligation than a joy. I do think biology dictates much in life, I know that's not a popular belief in society now, but I still think it's true. I think males in particular have to be trained by society to view the parental role as one involving deep commitment, modeling and attachment. Look how many men just skip out on their families entirely. I know some women do this, but it's a lot more men.

Just a few thoughts :)

Thank you BondJaneBond...I think you have summed it up perfectly - I also have an entitled violent alcoholic father which makes me more disappointed I chose a cheater for a husband 😞
He says it never took away from his family time and when he was with us he never sexted her/thought about her etc. he also never bonded with my youngest at the time and only really bonded with my eldest two as they are twins so he had to get stuck in!

However over the years he has become the most doting dad...he stays up late to run them around, worries about them constantly and really can't do enough for them. He has even sat up watching one of the twins after he had been drinking to check on him. He works more sociable shifts now and takes turns cooking, cleaning etc and is generally just a much more proactive dad and husband than he was when they were babies ....but.....he still cheated on me 13 years ago 😞

I differ a bit from BondJaneBond in some ways. She makes some very excellent points.

My H planned to D me. For 6 months he demand a D - then a few days later change his mind. Repeat.

He honestly believed he was going to replace me with the OW and it would be a smooth transition and no affect in me & kids. Yes - he was that far into fantasyland that he really believed this would "all work out".

He assumed (you know what happens when you assume) the kids would not be impacted by this.

My H was (and is) a great dad. However he really was so stupidly selfish during his affair that he thought it was going to be "fine".

For you Evio I suggest this. Don’t confuse his selfishness during the affair w/ his "not being a good dad". He just wasn’t a good dad during his affair b/c he never connected the dots. He just lived for his own selfishness.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:13 AM, Wednesday, July 30th]

The 1st wife...thank you this helps a lot. I guess I can kind of understand when people are wrapped up in their own needs they do not see how it affects their children. I know he loves his kids and their lives are definitely better with him in it....if always been do proud at what an involved father he is having grown up with a cold, abusive alcoholic father which is why his affair has shocked me so much.
I'm going to try and remember he was a crap dad for a while but he was good before and he has been and can continue to be a good dad after.

[This message edited by Evio at 12:51 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]