SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, been a little while since I posted. I very much seem to be on a huge roller coaster ride. I am famous for holding my feelings in, a grin and bear it kind of gal. Unfortunately, this does not work when trying to R from an A. I hold it in, then let it rip. I’m finally seeing the pattern clearly. I stopped IC in November. I was supposed to be having conversations about the A with WS every week, so I don’t hold it in, then drive myself crazy with intrusive thoughts. I didn’t do very good with that homework as I hated to bring it up. Then I kind of explode at WS. I’m not a yeller, hitter, screamer or anthing like that, my explode = sad, withdrawn, fake happiness and finally "dude WTF did you do to me".

I hit a very low in March/April, to the point where I thought I was done. I wrote a big letter and suggested a trial separation. This was met with panic and I’ll do anything for you to save our marriage. I realized in all my thinking that he has done NOTHING to help us heal. I’ve done the IC, the research, the questioning, the everything. He is now in IC. I don’t know what to expect from IC for him, or me. I did learn he had been lying about a gift he received from her, that he kept. He says he has now thrown it away. I did post about that if you want to look for my post about a water bottle. I am shocked there was still a lie he was sticking with.

My question: do these roller coaster rides go away? After I "confront" him and tell him what I’m feeling, I do feel better, but I hate this ride (though I love roller coasters IRL!) I want to be done with it. I can’t imagine this ever going away. I have been asking myself, am I better off with him, or without him. I don’t know.

Since this is a R forum, not sure if anyone can aswer this question, for anyone who tried R, then got a D, did that help you stop thinking/being consumed at times with the A?

Thanks for reading and any thoughts!

...for anyone who tried R, then got a D, did that help you stop thinking/being consumed at times with the A?

Yup! Sure did.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Forget about reconciliation and your marriage, your WH, for a while and focus on you.

Too many BS try soooo hard to reconcile that they lose themselves in the process. You can't reconcile alone.

Step-back and detach. Focus on you and getting off the Rollercoaster from Hell.

Once you've found your own peace... of mind, body and soul... things will become much clearer to you, including, especially, the choices before you.

I think about all of my WH affairs every day and I am 7 years out.

Unhinged: thank you. Ugg. I appreciate your thoughts. And you are right, I do need to focus on me and get off this rollercoaster. I’m not sure how to do that! Ha! I wonder if I should go back to IC. Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry ( I think ) your R didn’t work out for you, but it appears you gave it a good try!

1girlsmom: thanks for sharing as well. I assume you are still married? I’m sorry too. I just keep thinking for me, it will never go away!

7 years out and still think about it from time to time , but the rage and hurt is gone. Maybe it’s an ache now. But, I also know that if I’d divorced I would ache for the loss of the life I have now. Divorce doesn’t just give up a spouse. Many other aspects of my life would end as well. I read a book once that said "choose your suck" because no life is without pain. I wish you courage and speed in deciding what is best for you.

It is possible you are still greatly impacted b/c your cheating spouse has done very little (or nothing) to help you heal.

By that I mean he hasn’t shown true remorse, done anything to make amends (w/out you telling him to do this or do that).

I was stuck in the sane place as you at year 3 of Reconciliation. I kept waiting to feel better - to be happy - to be past the pain. I too was on the emotional roller coaster.

Until I recognized I needed to heal myself. Stop expecting my H to do something that would magically make me "better".

From that moment on I was able to find calm and peace. I had a great therapist who helped me work on myself. I did something each day for me - even if it was 10 minutes and a cup of tea.

I started to recognize that I was responsible for my happiness. I stopped letting the affair control my thoughts. I stopped letting myself wallow in the pain and ruining a perfectly good day.

Was it easy? No. Did it turn things around for me? Yes.

Now my H was doing everything possible to make amends. 12 years later and he still does. I have to remind myself that he is not the person he was during his affair.

I suspect your pain is caused by your H not doing everything possible to make amends. See below for your exact words which I think hits the nail on the head for you as to "why" you are on this rollercoaster.

i realized in all my thinking that he has done NOTHING to help us heal. I’ve done the IC, the research, the questioning, the everything. He is now in IC. I don’t know what to expect from IC for him, or me. I did learn he had been lying about a gift he received from her, that he kept. He says he has now thrown it away. I did post about that if you want to look for my post about a water bottle. I am shocked there was still a lie he was sticking with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:49 AM, Wednesday, July 30th]

I’m 4 years and 4 months from DDay. Hopefully my WW and I will be signing the dissolution papers to be submitted this Friday for filing. I’ve been in IC for the last 20 months. To say these last 4 years+ have been a roller coaster ride would be an understatement as you likely know. The last few months my IC kept telling me I was stuck in ambivalence but I disagreed with her. I simply had to try every single thing I could to save the relationship before I could walk out. That way when I decided to leave, I could leave knowing I left nothing on the table. WW simply was unable to do the work to become a safe partner. Honestly, since the rose colored glasses came of a couple weeks ago, I’ve come to understand she has wanted out of this relationship for many years, she just can’t admit it. The second I realized she wasn’t ever going to put in the work, it was like a light switch got flipped. I instantly knew my path, and that was to dissolve this marriage. I can’t spend any more time working to save a relationship that my partner clearly has no interest in saving. Because of my IC I’m OK with this and not even sad that it’s over. I’m actually excited for my new future and for the "roller coaster ride" to be over with. I was told by members on here "when you know, you’ll know" and they were right. Here’s to hoping you find the peace you need soon.

Leaving my xWS stopped the A ruminating in it's tracks. Up until that point I thought about it everyday. I tried R, but my xWS ended up being not remorseful and put me in False R. I didn't want to break my family up. It was my worst fear, but in the end it's what I needed to do to save myself. I thought I would be plagued by the thoughts of my xWS's A's forever but turns out no more thoughts of A was a nice side effect from D. I feel complete indifference for xWS. I don't even grieve the M we had (it wasn't the greatest). I do grieve for time lost, bad decisions on my part in staying in a bad M, for choosing someone like my xWS and for the kids that they grew up with parents who did not get along.

You'll know when you know if it is time to throw in the towel or if you are moving past the thoughts that plague you in R. It is different for everyone. People that ruminate will have a more difficult time.