SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For the benefit of those that have not seen my previous post:
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About a month ago, in an effort to take the pressure off of our relationship and allow both of our nervous systems to calm down, I decided to take a step back from trying to get her to do reconciliation work. I canceled couples therapy (which was not feeling useful to me anyway), and sent a letter in an email outlining essentially the following:

That I need things to change.
That it's difficult to feel like she is a fully safe partner with this constant blaming happening.
That our relationship has been under a lot of stress, and that taking a break will allow that stress to reduce, and hopefully our nervous systems to relax.
That she has work she needs to do, and that I cannot help with or direct this work. It's 100% on her.
That we are taking a four month break from couples therapy.
That we each will be focussing on our own healing and that I'm stepping back from trying to direct reconciliation.
That I'm not giving up on us, we are just taking a break so we can de-stress and work on our own stuff.
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This past month it's been hard to tell if she is feeling less stressed or not because it's the busy season for her business and things ramped up around the same time I sent the letter.

Her emotions have still swung back and forth a lot. She had a total meltdown one day, that I tried to help her with but couldn't do that much. She has seemed on the edge emotionally at times, and then other times happy and loving.

On a positive note, last week we were able to talk finances without fighting. This very much surprised me since our last major fight happened when I tried to start a conversation of this kind. She also apologized for being so difficult with the finances, and said she was not trying to be stubborn. So thats something.

I have done my best to adhere to the terms of my letter, and continue doing normal things. We still have our routines. We still spend time together. We still talk. etc.

Unfortunately this month has been pretty hard for me.

As others mentioned in the previous thread on this topic, now that I'm stepping back and just watching I'm able to observe what her real actions are, and that has proven true. I'm seeing things in real time that I would have missed before. Both good and bad.

My brain is now in "lets get the most realistic view of the situation as possible" which is great. I want the best information to make decisions off of. In this way it has helped a lot.

I have been reviewing journal entries and past posts on SI that I have made since D-day, and I have really been thinking a lot.

The down side to this increased observability though, is that in reviewing everything that happened, in some ways re-living it, I'm seeing her actions in a different light. A less than appealing light. This is painful, and exhausting for me, but I know it's probably necessary.

I'm worried that this light is doing the opposite of rose colored glasses though - making things look more negative than they really are since thats when I tend to journal or make posts.

Also the possibility of us splitting seems more real to me now that I have come to the point where I can't accept staying in a relationship that doesn't feel healthy to me; and I'm seeing signs that this might be the case in our relationship. I hope not, but I'm worried.

It's been difficult accepting this idea, and it's been difficult re-living parts of these past two years.

I find that I'm angry, depressed, or anxious a lot.
I find that I'm obsessing about what I'm going to do at the end of this time period, and feeling concerned/bad about hiding my real emotions from her. I keep writing letters to her hoping to explain how I feel, or working through my feelings, or outlining my hard boundaries, etc. I don't send them. I just write them. Maybe one or two I will give to her at the end of this period. Who knows.

I feel like I'm not doing this correctly.

I'm not doing something as extreme as the 180, but I also don't feel content to do nothing.

I feel like I should find ways to de-stress and relax, and also I know at the end of this time period I'm going to want to take some kind of action. Maybe I'm overthinking it?

I think you're doing really well -- not the depression part, that's something you need to process through anyway -- but I like the stepping back part a lot.

I think you need to focus even more on YOU.

Time to do your favorite things, old pals, hobbies, comedy shows, punching bag at the gym, etc., anything that gets you some time to heal. Her actions will reveal whether or not you have someone to work with or not (so far, not much to work with).

I don't think it is a bad idea that she sees some of these letters you are writing. Even you can't share your feelings normally yet, you do have to find a way to let her know where you're at, even if it is just negative stuff.

Someone who truly cares about you will want to know and want to help.

Also the possibility of us splitting seems more real to me now that I have come to the point where I can't accept staying in a relationship that doesn't feel healthy to me; and I'm seeing signs that this might be the case in our relationship. I hope not, but I'm worried.

I think the moment you are not worried about the outcome is freedom day.

Then you can choose your path, solo or be ready to outline the M you need to stay.

Hello brother.

Few things that caught my eye.

You have been driving reconciling until now. That’s a lot of responsibility put on you. And while this focus might have been a relief from the pain and anger as "I am doing something, I am going to fix this mess" keeps you occupied to reach a goal I don’t think is fair.

For once, you are the wounded part, the victim. I know the extent you suffered firsthand, it’s a moment where you wish the woman who wounded you and "regrets it " would show up, tends to your bleeding, tries to hold hand and climb up with you easing your pain even just a bit. Showing she cares now, that she means it.

Instead it sounds as you have been dragging her up the hill, battered and wounded, while she just passively allowed to be carried.

Then there’s her immaturity and underdeveloped emotional baggage that allowed her infidelity to happen. She might be grateful you took charge of leading up, but it also meant she could avoid the accountability of being the one walking together at the very least, if not even taking the chance to grow as a partner and demonstrate her commitment to fix what she caused. You could not see evidence of she developing and changing from her old self and leaving her old comfort zone.

Unfair.

That is possibly somewhat similar to what you can observe now that you paused and that you find discouraging.

It’s not necessarily a sign that she’s not doing the right things or the work, but she might have been somewhat relieved that you took the lead and direction of reconciliation. This way she knows you still care enough to fight for both so she doesn’t need to face herself, her choices, her actions as much through introspection, to understand where you were, were you are , where you are going and trace the way.

That’s possibly relaxing for her nervous system, as she doesn’t have to constantly face her shame and guilt, not in the same amounts a wayward who is present and takes charge feels forced to do at least.
So it might be tempting for her to just passively follow and let you take her with.

She might be tending to some of your wounds, but you were still the one pulling, no matter the bleeding 🩸

I would say that this pause can be a good chance to test. Now that you’ve paused from grinding teeth and pulling up, you can see if she is keeping going forward and taking pace or she is more static, waiting for you to resume the climb.

You can see more clearly where she I’d doing better and where she is slacking. This also gives her a chance to step up if she’s realizing she can show up and exchange places, become the leading force while you catch your breath. As a partner does.

I would say without reading too much into it yet, you had phases so far:

Devastating damage, pain and grief
Then you took charge to focus on reconciliation
Now a pause, where you can savor all the emotions you ignored while focused on the climb.

Of course they feel intense right now, you didn’t give enough space for them to process as you were fighting for the couple.

The change of pace makes them stand out more initially, for now they can fill you.

I can say this might be worth taking some time and just allow your system to integrate those along the rest. Meanwhile observe your wayward. There could be things that pleases you and others that might disappoint you, I expect that as this is a difficult process for 2 imperfect humans and an underdeveloped wife who is trying to suddenly grow up into a more fulfilled and safe woman.

Perfection is the last thing I expect to find in reconciliation.
But it might shed light on the areas where you two have need to work and improve if and when you resume the climb.

Give it some time of just breathing and just being present now.
It can bring you clarity