SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Prior to discovering the A, whenever I discussed infidelity with my W after hearing some news or stories about married couples, my view had always been that spouses should try reconciliation if there were no major issues in the marriage. And if they had young children together, I believed that divorce could have a psychological impact on the children as they grew up with separated parents.

My wife confessed that she was fairly confident that I would not divorce her, and therefore there would be no real consequences for continuing the affair. She believed that there would be some challenges for a few days or months, but eventually everything would be OK.

I keep thinking that she knew I would try to keep the family together because of my beliefs and because of our children, and that gave her confidence that she could continue the affair without having to worry about losing the marriage, its killing me.

How can I deal with this feeling? How can I move past the thought that my wife knew my weakness and used it to her advantage?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for sharing your thoughts, suggestions, and advice. I really appreciate it.

Well she's a special kind of entitled isn't she?

IMHO you are under no obligation to decide R or D right away. You can take all the time you need to figure it out.

I would see an attorney or three (many offer free consults) to see what your life would look like R or D or separation while you figure it out.

Are you sure the affair has ended? Are you sure NC (no contact) is in place?

I'm also a big fan of exposure. If her AP has a spouse or significant other - EXPOSE. If they work together - EXPOSE. If she or the AP has a code of conduct as part of their employment - EXPOSE. Let those consequences slap them in the face. Nothing changes the tune more than the consequences of their own actions.

Pro Tip - when you expose, don't let them know you are going to do this. They will cover their tracks and/or start damage control measures early.

My H thought the same thing. I would never D him.

Until dday2 of affair2 and I told him "I’m Divorcing you!", left the room and did the hard 180.

Game changer.

He stopped blaming me for his affair, got his act together and made amends for his lying & cheating choices.

While we have happily reconciled I would not have stayed married if he continued to blame me for his affair. He tried that once and I shut it down in a heartbeat.

When I first read your story I thought your wife was trash. A dumb cake eater. But now I'm leaning towards her being downright evil (to you). If you're looking for someone who doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, just look in her direction. That's where her confidence comes from. She does not think that you have the balls to divorce her or even separate from her. She probably thinks that she is so much better than you that you should kiss the ground she walks on. In reality, she's not much different from most cheaters. In order to think highly of themselves, they devalue everyone else around them.

How can I deal with this feeling?

Well, simply put, make her feel consequences. Something as simple as informing the OBS and outing the affair to your family are consequences. Making your own needs your top priority and holding her accountable for her crap are consequences. The added benefit is that they are also the right thing to do.
I get it. Marriage is a commitment, for better or worse. But that doesnt mean you owe her the marriage you thought you had before. You know now just what a selfish, entitled brat she is. Knowing that now, make sure you never forget and heal yourself. If she's repentant, she'll do her part. If not, you're at least recovering.

As other have said... ABSOLUTELY EXPOSE.

It is right to for everyone involved, including her. She needs to learn there are consequences.

Another thought, she assumed there might be some hard weeks or months. FOR HER and she was willing to pay that "price". But I suppose she did not think about the price YOU will pay for many, many years.

If she does not understand that, nor show evidence of remorse for making you bear this burden, then I honestly do not see her as a good candidate for reconciliation.

I believed that divorce could have a psychological impact on the children as they grew up with separated parents.

The psychological impact divorce had on 12 year old me when my mother left my cheating father was relief and increased happiness. I'm not saying my life was all rainbows and sunshine, but getting away from the strain and tension I could sense between my parents was a relief.

My wife confessed that she was fairly confident that I would not divorce her, and therefore there would be no real consequences for continuing the affair. She believed that there would be some challenges for a few days or months, but eventually everything would be OK.

This is a very common thought among cheating spouses. Almost all of them underestimate the damage and devastation betrayal trauma has on the betrayed. Your wife is not an outlier.

I keep thinking that she knew I would try to keep the family together because of my beliefs and because of our children, and that gave her confidence that she could continue the affair without having to worry about losing the marriage, its killing me.

Again, this is not unusual. Many wayward spouses harbor this belief and use it to their advantage. My wife included. So imagine her shock and surprise when I finally reached the end of my rope a month later, started calling divorce lawyers and set up consultations right in front of her.

How can I deal with this feeling? How can I move past the thought that my wife knew my weakness and used it to her advantage?

I can't tell you what might work for you, especially since I don't know where you and she are in the marriage right now, but I can say what has helped me.

What helped me was taking my agency back. I stopped letting her dictate how our recovery was going to happen and it started with me making those phone calls and observing her words and actions afterwards.

My wife partially blamed me for her choices and I accepted it. She wanted to maintain contact as "just friends" with her AP after stopping the physical part of the affair, and I struggled with telling her "no." She also thought, based on what she knows about me, that I would never leave. That I would tolerate her shenanigans, be hurt for a few weeks or maybe a couple of months and we'd get back to the status quo.

I didn't want a divorce, but I came to the conclusion that what I wanted even less was to share my wife with someone else, live in uncertainty, and be with someone who didn't understand or respect my pain and what I was going through. Making those calls sucked, but at the same time I felt an incredible sense of relief that I had finally taken back my agency, showed her how much this really hurt me, and that I would no longer stand for her disrespect and callousness.

It was a huge turning point for us. Almost overnight her whole attitude changed, she became very contrite and was willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage. She dropped her AP like a hot potato, went no contact, blocked him on everything, put in for a transfer at work (he was a co worker), and rolled her sleeves up and began real work proving to me that we had something to salvage. That was almost 17 months ago and she hasn't wavered since.

Note that I said "rebuild" instead of just "fix" or "return to normal." There is no returning to normal after a betrayal like this. I think what might help you is if you see your wife show true remorse and a willingness to do anything it takes to make this up to you. For her to show that she now understands just how wrong she was for making those assumptions and choices. This isn't something a person bounces back from in a few months. It's more like a few years. Generally speaking it can take 2 to 5 years to recover from this trauma, and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. It's never going to just go away, and the sooner she realizes this, maybe the sooner you will start regulating.

I'm not suggesting you do what I did. I'm only sharing with you the steps I took that started the ball rolling toward my recovery. I introduced real consequences and her reaction to it was what helped me to start healing and dealing with what had happened. It worked in my case partly due to her really not wanting to lose her husband, and partly because she knew I wasn't just bluffing. I was resigned to my marriage being over and I meant it. If you go that route you need to be ready for the chance that she'll call you on it. You don't want to pull the divorce card unless you're prepared to go through with it. Backpedaling could blow up in your face.

From my experience, and from the many stories I've read here, sometimes to save a marriage and your dignity you have to he willing to let it go.

How has your wife been since you made the discovery? Is she contrite? Remorseful? Willing to do whatever it takes? Or just upset she got caught and blaming you, the marriage, or some other external influence even if it's only partial blame? Does she take full accountability?

*ETA: At the end of the day you are responsible for your own recovery. She can't fix you or heal you, but she can participate and facilitate, or she can make things harder. But at the end of the day you have to figure out what exactly you want, set some boundaries, and follow through with them. Ultimately you can recover from this with or without her, even if that ends up in divorce. I don't want to give you the impression your recovery hinges entirely on her. If it comes down to it, you can do this on your own, but she can be either a positive or negative influence on how it goes, and you don't have to put up with negative influence.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:16 PM, Saturday, August 29th]

Is she experiencing consequences now? Is she remorseful?

As far as the idea of her doing this because of your prior thoughts on infidelity, well, I have two considerations. First, she didn't have an affair because of what you said. She had an affair because she is selfish and somehow broken inside, yearning for some elusive thing to make her feel happy, wanted, desirable or whatever she was chasing instead of being comfortable in her own skin and staying committed to the marriage. Your statements had little to do with her motivations.

Second, your statements did have something to do with her rationalizing her behavior but believe us here, people who have affairs will rationalize their behavior with almost anything. If it wasn't your statement it would have been something else. "I won't get caught, it's just for a while, I deserve to be happy, he isn't paying enough attention to me, my friends are doing it, I bet he flirts with women,,this will help me get excited again about life". And dozens of other excuses.

Your statements did not push her into this behavior. She did it all by herself. Has she come to this realization?

Honestly, I don't think that you can get over something like this. You are forced to move with it. From what I remember, she also loved that he used you to arrange meeting with her, very resourceful, he must have really loved her. The whole story reads like she was living a z-class Hallmark show written by a 12 year old. I think that perhaps after complete surrender and humility, months or years of consistent, deep remorse it may become easier to live with.

You process it by believing her. She didn’t care two bits about your emotional well being. Act accordingly and divorce her for your own sanity.

She told you quite plainly that the only thing that would have stopped her cheating was the threat of real consequences. By letting her know early on in your marriage that you would stay for the sake of the children, you inadvertently handed her a free pass to misbehave without fear of eviction. She operated under the comfortable assumption that she could enjoy two years of a romantic sideshow and then stroll back into the family routine with nothing more than a few awkward weeks at the dinner table. If her foundational logic was that she could cheat because she would get away with it, you have to ask yourself what on earth is going to stop her from doing it again. Hoping she simply ages out of infidelity or loses the inclination over time is a miserable strategy, because you deserve a partner who stays faithful out of genuine respect and character, not someone who remains loyal merely because they cannot be bothered to wander off anymore.

Her excuses would be almost amusing if they were not so destructive to your sanity. Claiming she wanted to stop but needed an external force to pull the emergency brake is a masterclass in dodging responsibility. Getting caught is not a spiritual intervention, it is just getting caught. Furthermore, consulting ChatGPT to ask if having an affair is acceptable as long as she keeps her husband happy reads like a bargain basement existential crisis. The idea that her affair partner was stealing a beautiful woman from a careless man is equally absurd. Being a trusting, decent husband who focuses on raising a family is not carelessness, it is just being a normal human being, whereas her affair partner was simply a predatory pest with a flair for dramatic melodrama.

The fact that this man used your hospitality to sneak into your home while you were out, and that your wife found this covert manoeuvring flattering rather than appalling, shows how thoroughly distorted her judgment became. She prioritised cheap thrills over your dignity in your own living room. Now that the dust is trying to settle, her recent shift into passive silence is not healing or remorse. She is simply keeping her head down and waiting for the storm to pass so you can return to business as usual. True reconciliation requires uncomfortable, active work on her part to fix her flawed character, not just sitting quietly on the sofa waiting to see which version of you walks through the door each morning.

This is a controversial suggestion—and one many here will rail against—but if you are dead set on reconciliation while recognising she desperately needs real consequences, insist on being entitled to an equal number of "hall passes" for outside sexual encounters. If she slept with him twenty times, that is twenty slips owed to you. Whether you ever intend to use them is entirely beside the point. Firstly, her reaction will reveal exactly what she is willing to endure to salvage the marriage. Secondly, if she cares for you at all, the raw reality of that premise will sting. It introduces a tangible, sobering consequence that shatters her belief in a low-cost affair and could theoretically deter any future betrayal.

Lashing out when you get triggered is completely understandable given the staggering level of betrayal, but it is ultimately draining your own spirit while giving her a convenient shell to retreat into. You cannot build a future, or even a functional coparenting arrangement, on a cycle of explosive anger and passive compliance. You process this trauma by taking back your agency and dismantling the myth that you are stuck forever because of the kids. Children benefit far more from seeing a parent who values their own dignity than one who quietly endures a hollow, dishonest marriage. Set firm boundaries, demand genuine accountability, and make it crystal clear that your presence in her life is a privilege she has to earn every single day. I do believe reconciliation is possible for you, but if I were you I'd aim higher.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 10:20 AM, Sunday, August 30th]