For the benefit of those that have not seen my previous post:
=============
About a month ago, in an effort to take the pressure off of our relationship and allow both of our nervous systems to calm down, I decided to take a step back from trying to get her to do reconciliation work. I canceled couples therapy (which was not feeling useful to me anyway), and sent a letter in an email outlining essentially the following:
That I need things to change.
That it's difficult to feel like she is a fully safe partner with this constant blaming happening.
That our relationship has been under a lot of stress, and that taking a break will allow that stress to reduce, and hopefully our nervous systems to relax.
That she has work she needs to do, and that I cannot help with or direct this work. It's 100% on her.
That we are taking a four month break from couples therapy.
That we each will be focussing on our own healing and that I'm stepping back from trying to direct reconciliation.
That I'm not giving up on us, we are just taking a break so we can de-stress and work on our own stuff.
=============
This past month it's been hard to tell if she is feeling less stressed or not because it's the busy season for her business and things ramped up around the same time I sent the letter.
Her emotions have still swung back and forth a lot. She had a total meltdown one day, that I tried to help her with but couldn't do that much. She has seemed on the edge emotionally at times, and then other times happy and loving.
On a positive note, last week we were able to talk finances without fighting. This very much surprised me since our last major fight happened when I tried to start a conversation of this kind. She also apologized for being so difficult with the finances, and said she was not trying to be stubborn. So thats something.
I have done my best to adhere to the terms of my letter, and continue doing normal things. We still have our routines. We still spend time together. We still talk. etc.
Unfortunately this month has been pretty hard for me.
As others mentioned in the previous thread on this topic, now that I'm stepping back and just watching I'm able to observe what her real actions are, and that has proven true. I'm seeing things in real time that I would have missed before. Both good and bad.
My brain is now in "lets get the most realistic view of the situation as possible" which is great. I want the best information to make decisions off of. In this way it has helped a lot.
I have been reviewing journal entries and past posts on SI that I have made since D-day, and I have really been thinking a lot.
The down side to this increased observability though, is that in reviewing everything that happened, in some ways re-living it, I'm seeing her actions in a different light. A less than appealing light. This is painful, and exhausting for me, but I know it's probably necessary.
I'm worried that this light is doing the opposite of rose colored glasses though - making things look more negative than they really are since thats when I tend to journal or make posts.
Also the possibility of us splitting seems more real to me now that I have come to the point where I can't accept staying in a relationship that doesn't feel healthy to me; and I'm seeing signs that this might be the case in our relationship. I hope not, but I'm worried.
It's been difficult accepting this idea, and it's been difficult re-living parts of these past two years.
I find that I'm angry, depressed, or anxious a lot.
I find that I'm obsessing about what I'm going to do at the end of this time period, and feeling concerned/bad about hiding my real emotions from her. I keep writing letters to her hoping to explain how I feel, or working through my feelings, or outlining my hard boundaries, etc. I don't send them. I just write them. Maybe one or two I will give to her at the end of this period. Who knows.
I feel like I'm not doing this correctly.
I'm not doing something as extreme as the 180, but I also don't feel content to do nothing.
I feel like I should find ways to de-stress and relax, and also I know at the end of this time period I'm going to want to take some kind of action. Maybe I'm overthinking it?
