SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I said I wasn't posting about myself again because of how poorly it seems to go, but...

So, I discovered self-love. Or maybe achieved it? Idk, I genuinely really like myself now. I know that I am loveable. So that solves that particular causal mechanism for my infidelity (there are still others being worked on, of course.)

But I think I am having trouble receiving love from my H, and I'm experiencing these weird surges of anxiety where a committee member (who looks like the cartoon kid from the Tootsie Pop commercials) in my head goes "I feel unloved. H doesn't love us 😰" And then another will align a huge stack of papers by tapping the edge on the table, look over the top of her round little spectacles and go "Nonsense. Of course he loves us. Here is a list of all the ways he shows it, remember?" And she reads it for the committee and everyone nods along, and someone walks by and pats the anxious committee member on the head in a weirdly comforting but dismissive fashion, but she just kind of sits down on the floor with her knees draw up to her check and her eyes darting furtively all around the board room, silent but definitely not soothed. (Truly a bizarre mental experience. I am simultaneously that CM and the other CMs and also the one observing the CMs...And I don't know how to help her. I feel completely bonkers.)

And I told my husband that I love myself, and I consciously know that he loves me and how, but I'm still having this anxiety. And he apologized that I ever felt that way, and I said "Thanks, but you are doing a good job. I'm just trying to convey that this doesn't make any sense, and figure out why it's happening." He said something along the lines of "You always need a catastrophe to be happening. Some big momentous thing to be focused on." That shocked me. I think he's probably right, and that's kind of in line with my ADHD as well... I don't know how to exist peacefully when my life is just all calm and well. I'm looking for problems when there aren't any. I'm trapped in the Drama Triangle. It's me; I am the problem!

This would probably be a good thing to talk about with my IC, but I felt like writing about it here as well. Gonna have to sit with this revelation for a bit.

What other CM's are tense right now? Look around the room? Is it "just" TootsiePop? Not that TootsiePop is unimportant. But... are certain other natives restless, too?

If it's "just" TootsiePop that's upset, plan a date with H? He'd love to do something with you! Or... send him a text. One to get his motors reved in anticipation? I would love to get a text some time from my own W that would make me flustered and blush. Maybe learn a new skill together? Take a pottery class. Cook something together! Go fishing together? Plan a fantasy with H?

If a couple of other CMs from different departments seem to be restless after all, there might be something to your H's insight. I know I get anxious whenever there is peace in my home. The feeling that something is amiss and I can't put my finger on it is awful! Maybe sign-up for another college class? Write a Great American Novel! Exercise?

[This message edited by Unconventional at 2:28 AM, Friday, October 16th]

Various ones are popping their heads out of their department office doorways and shouting, "Hey, do we remember we have this thing to do?" And I (the Mini Me, chairman of the board) sigh and say "Yes. We made a plan to take care of that already. Just need to execute." And they get back to work. Not much else is happening. We are under stimulated because there are no emergencies and no problems to hyper focus on. Passion projects are still underway, but they are being balanced properly with responsibilities, and occasionally progress is delayed by something beyond my control.

And we don't fucking like it.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 2:30 AM, Friday, October 16th]

Well, Morbs.... this sounds like a good problem to have. I'm happy for you! And sad for you. 'Cause peace is pretty elusive for us. But, on the rare occasions it has arisen in recent years, there's just no remedy but waiting for the next calamity to arise.

You can always tell me how I'm messing up my own life, if you're truly looking for a dumpster fire to tackle!

Good night!