Healing still...
I found out about my husband's cheating 8 months ago. I am still in the process of healing - some days are good and some days are really hard. I just noticed that my productivity has been really low and I am having a really hard time concentrating on my work. By sharing this story, I am trying to see whether I can move to the next level of my healing stage...
So, we are an international couple from 2 different countries, torn between these two countries. His country had really limited options for me to grow professionally, therefore, we lived between countries so that we both can build our careers in our respective countries. So, the marriage combined long distance with frequent calls and living together in his country for 3 years. For me, as a very stable person, this worked fine. I was under the assumption this also worked fine for him because he never raised any concerns. We have been together for 15 years and married for 13 years.
During COVID, I had to go back to my home country for work. Our plan was for me to work in my country for 3 years to gain the experience I need before deciding whether he moves to my country or we finally decide to settle down in his country. I left his country in 2021 and started working and living as a single mother taking care of my daughter with us reuniting as a family several times a year. In 2023, however, it was very hard for me and we started discussing moving back to his country because of how hard the long distance relationship was and also because his parents started to get sick making it quite impossible for him to move to my country in the near future. So, in the winter of 2024, we agreed that we will move back to his country to be with him and did so in July 2024.
I initiatied these types of conversations since winter 2022 and throughout spring 2023. However, my husband would not give me the time and space I asked for and kept ignoring me for the rest of the year until we got back together as a family. At this point, thinking that I will never get my husband to talk to me openly, I made the decision on my own in consultation with my child that we will be moving back to his country to be with our father.
After moving back in with him, I start suspecting that some things are off and he is not the same person I married. I figured maybe he was depressed. Then, I thought maybe he needed to get used to us living together as a family again. So, I tried to understand his situation and be empathetic. And then I started finding things that did not really belong to me or my child in our house. Then, finally I found someone's underwear.
This was the point I pressed my husband to explain to me whose things are in the house. This is when he told me that he had a mistress while we were away for 2 years. I asked him to divorce and kicked him out of the house. Being a foreigner I did not want to go and file for divorce on my own. He was the one who was supposed to do that. He expected that I would file for a divorce, he told me he did not love me so that I would do the work of filing for divorce and help him decide. I was not going to do the work he was supposed to do. I just wanted him to live separately from us and go back to his parents. And, that while the papers are ready he can have my child over the weekends when they are not in school.
And, he did not and instead asked for forgiveness and try to rebuild the relationship. Anyone who has a child will understand that when given the option of saving the relationship, mothers always choose to try to save the relationship. For me, divorcing would have meant my child would not see their father probably for many years to come until they can travel on their own. I definitely would not have travelled thousands of miles for them to see each other. My husband does not have the funds to afford travel to my country without my support. Initially I decided that I needed to try to work on it for the sake of my child's well-being. Then, I started seeing the effort that he puts into it. Until now, he puts a lot of work into it and tries to support my healing journey. He says he told me that he did not love me only because he wanted to be done with the whole divorce thing and because he thought divorce was very easy - just filing an application and living in two separate houses. When he realized that I was not going to do the work for him, he understood what divorce really meant - that it would mean he does not have an easy access to his family and the emotional connection that the family gives him anymore.
But I still question how could someone do something like this to the person closest to them. It is hard to believe and forgive. I love my husband but I also know that I can live in my country loving him and be a single mother and build my life anew. I do not even need a relationship in my life to feel happy. We were very happy - the two of us, myself and my child - we missed our father but we were able to live on our own and enjoy our lives. If we were divorced at the time - we would have enjoyed it even more because we would not have been missing him and we would not have been feeling guilty that we lived separately from him. I do not even know why he just did not divorce since there were so many opportunities for him to talk it out. I tried to discuss the future of our marriage so many times being long distance. And if he said, I can't do this - I would have understood. And, I would have given him the divorce that he wanted. It was difficult for me too to be far away from him but I never cheated and never even responded to flirtatious messages from colleagues or people I met. Even though sometimes I was lonely and wanted intimacy, too. But I kept my word and my love for him deepn in my heart. I would have never betrayed him. And, if I did by accident, I would have told him, asked for forgiveness and let hinm decide whether to stay with me or leave me. I feel I was not given the option at all. I feel like he trapped me by making me choose to go back to his country only for me to find out he betrayed our family.
He is doing his best to help me heal but the incredulousness of it makes me wonder what kind of person he really is... And I know he is very selfish. And, I know I am not perfect. But I am not a selfish person like him and this makes it really diffcult to understand his act and decision to hide. I still wonder what makes someone be this immature. And I know for my husband it is childhood traumas. His ACE score is 5, which is very high, whereas I grew in a loving and caring multigenerational family that cared for all children in the family and nurtured healthy and positive relationships.
Anyways, somehow I feel better now. Thanks for reading!
8 comments posted: Monday, July 28th, 2025
