SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Inspired by a viral post on another relationship advice forum, I’m eager to hear the thoughts of users from this site, especially since it features more expert opinions backed by years of experience.

The viral post described a wife who had a brief affair as a newlywed during COVID while her partner was stuck in another country due to quarantine regulations. She revealed that she had kept this secret for some time, and the guilt was consuming her. Since then, they have had children, and she characterized her partner as the perfect husband and father. She mentioned that she has poured her energy into trying to make amends (without his knowledge) by being the best wife he could imagine. However, she expressed uncertainty about whether she could bring herself to confess, fearing it would shatter their relationship.

This is not an uncommon scenario; we’ve encountered similar stories before.

What particularly shocked me was that most commenters advised her to keep the secret, suggesting that she live with her guilt and continue being the best wife possible. They argued that her ongoing guilt was her punishment and burden to bear and that revealing the truth would only cause pain for her partner and ease her own suffering.

While it wasn’t a unanimous sentiment, I’d estimate that the opinions leaned approximately 60/40 in favor of keeping the secret.

This brings me to my questions, which are threefold:

- Do members of this site generally advocate for admitting the truth in such situations?
- Why do we observe such differing advice from those who may lack experience with infidelity?
- Does the pro-lie argument hold any validity in this context?

In my personal opinion, what she is currently experiencing resembles a sham marriage that is detrimental to everyone involved. It is harmful to her because she is not experiencing true love; the affection she feels is built on the lie of her supposed faithfulness. She is participating in a relationship where, should her partner learn the truth, he may choose to leave her or even come to resent her.

How can she find satisfaction knowing that her partner loves an illusion rather than the true her? Additionally, this situation is detrimental for him as well; he has had his agency stripped away. He has not been able to make informed decisions in his romantic life and may never truly know what it feels like to have a faithful partner.

IMHO a marriage can never be better than the least of the individuals involved.
If we could quantify all the characteristics that make a good person (as opposed to a good partner), then let’s say that the W is 90 and the H an 80. That marriage can never be better than 80 long-term. The W efforts might pull the H up to 85 or even 90, but if he doesn’t do the work on HIMSELF to raise his score, the long-term score of the marriage will be his 80.
This is individual work – having standards and ethics to your own behavior, self-improvement, self-criticisms, self-validation... Its how you see yourself and how others see you. If you are generally a douche-bag, you won’t be a good partner. You aren’t born with these values or principles – you develop them over time through a combination of various and varying factors: upbringing, thought, decisions, commitment, hard-hard work.

Yesterday’s score really doesn’t have much to say, other than possibly impacting the willingness to remain in a marriage.

Based on what you share then I don’t see it as him loving an illusion of her. She is what she is NOW, not what she was THEN. Marriage is what it is NOW, not what it was THEN.

However... I don’t see a person being able to have the characteristics that make a good person if they carry such a great secret with them. I think a very common mistake we tend to make is to see marriage as it is now and forget that if things work out this is the person we will be with for the next decades. Possibly the person that holds our hands when they – or we – exit this existence. I just can’t see building that future with such an immense brick on one’s conscience.

OK – so would telling the truth make it any better? It doesn’t make having had an affair any better, or any worse of an issue. The WS should have a sense of guilt and remorse forever. Telling the truth isn’t really done to make things easier for the WS. But it might make the WS able to progress as a person – an individual. Thereby possibly making that person more capable of being a better partner, and thereby raising their personal score. That in turn can raise the score of the marriage.

Of course there is the risk of the BH ending the marriage, but the options are remaining in a false place or moving on from a true place.

I somehow don’t see this woman as being happy and content – say 50 years from now – sitting in her rocker on the porch reaching out to the man of her life in the rocker next to her.
I can see her thinking "thank God he gave me a chance despite the affair", and I can see him thinking "thank God we could work things out despite her affair".

The make amends without telling... that’s pure AA. It’s more-or-less supposed to be limited to people that you have broken on so heavily that refreshed contact can cause THEM damage or pain. The damage or pain to the one making amends is a non-issue. A typical scenario might be that a recovering alcoholic shouldn’t reach out to a former spouse that had to move states or get a RO because of the physical abuse from them. In lieu of an apology the amends could be through volunteering at an abuse center and living a non-violent life.
In this instance the truth will definitely cause pain, but that pain offers the BH the chance of deciding himself his next steps. Her actions can help him decide, but irrespective of his decision SHE can grow from this incident.

Too many unknowns:

- why did she do it?
- what are her feelings for husband?
- what were her feelings for AP?
- is there a chance of husband finding out somehow else?

You say she is not experiencing "true love." Maybe you could expand a little on your definition of true love.

Can we say, categorically, that every husband who has had a drunken encounter with a prostitute, or some other fling, does not love his wife?

Years ago, I visited gentlemen’s clubs with colleagues and got some lap dances. I wish I hadn’t; I see it as a personal failure. I sacrificed my morals to peer pressure. But I’ve never told my wife and don’t intend to.

I’m pretty sure I love my wife.

If the husband of the woman in your hypothetical believes she has been faithful, well, so what if he’s wrong.

Are cheaters more likely to cheat again? Does he have a right to know, to prepare himself for the eventuality?

Do we ever know everything about our partners?

Suppose she had robbed a bank and not told him. Wrecked the car but told him someone hit her in the parking lot.

I think the mystery of each other is part of the fun.

But there are children here. If she loves her husband (perhaps my definition of love, not yours), and he’s not going to find out somehow else, she should take it to the grave.

(And don’t ask for my definition of love. I’ve been thinking about that for much of my life and still don’t know.)

Too many unknowns:

- why did she do it?

- what are her feelings for husband?

- what were her feelings for AP?

- is there a chance of husband finding out somehow else?

We don't get provided all of these in answers, the only insight provided into motivation was, 'I had bad influence around me'

She does state she loves her husband wholly - whether that's changed since the time of the affair or was ever present - we can only speculate.

You say she is not experiencing "true love." Maybe you could expand a little on your definition of true love.

I'm not defining true love in any specifically unique way. We would likely agree on a rough definition of love. I'm suggesting, if she acted in such a way that he would have left her if he knew the truth, all of the love she is getting from him is moot. How can she be happy knowing if her partner knew what she'd done, he would drop her? How could you define what she is getting from him 'true' in any sense of the word.

Can we say, categorically, that every husband who has had a drunken encounter with a prostitute, or some other fling, does not love his wife?

I'm not saying this, I'm saying if they did and did not reveal it to their wife - the love they get in return isn't true as it may not be there should he reveal the truth.

But there are children here. If she loves her husband (perhaps my definition of love, not yours), and he’s not going to find out somehow else, she should take it to the grave.

Wow, I really came across a "take it to the grave" mentality on a surviving infidelity forum, and it's driving me insane.

Let’s say she’s a "cake-eater," someone who regularly cheats for fun but genuinely loves her husband. What if she has rock-solid alibis and manages to cheat without ever getting caught—on work trips, using a burner phone she disposes of, and creating fake profiles on hookup apps, all while practicing safe sex? Is it acceptable for her to keep cheating as long as she stays under the radar? To clarify, is the only immoral aspect of infidelity the pain it causes the betrayed partner?

Or are you suggesting that because it only happened once a few years ago, it’s justified to keep it hidden? What’s the moral distinction between a single act of infidelity and ongoing betrayal if the only negative outcome is the possibility of being discovered? I’m struggling to understand this perspective.

I suppose my morals are my own, and I need to accept that not everyone shares them, even those who've experienced similar situations. I appreciate your thoughts on this.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 1:53 PM, Friday, April 25th]

"If she loves her husband (perhaps my definition of love, not yours), and he’s not going to find out somehow else, she should take it to the grave."

Can’t improve on FPP’s conclusion.

@Notsogreatexpectations - So given this is your opinion, I guess you must wish you didn't find out about your respected partners affair?

I truly thought in a place like this we would advocate for the betrayed's agency to either leave or heal the marriage.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:03 PM, Friday, April 25th]

If you truly love and respect someone, then you wouldn’t be able to comfortably keep a secret like this and allow them to make serious decisions about the rest of their lives on the basis of lies.

A hidden affair is like having a bomb underneath your house. You can pretend it doesn’t exist but there’s always a chance it will go off… maybe when you have kids, maybe when you’re getting ready to retire, who knows. Some of the most heartbreaking stories on this site have been from people who find out years later about the affair and they feel like their entire lives up until that point were fake. No one deserves that.

So the advice I would give to this WW would be to come clean to her husband now and let go of the outcome. I would also tell her that, based on my experience and most BSs on SI, the first instinct of almost every BS is to try to fix the marriage, not divorce. Her chances of successfully reconciling are much higher if she offers the complete truth from the get-go.

But in reality, almost no one confesses proactively, not unless the threat of disclosure by someone else is imminent. And worst of all, getting away with cheating once makes it very likely that they will do it again.

When my affair concluded, I was pretty certain my husband would never find out unless it was from me. There are numerous reasons that I believed this and so far, they would have proven true. No one ever contacted him.

I went to therapy on my own to figure out what I should do. I was very, very messed up at this point. I saw the therapist for two months, she advised me not to tell. She felt that I was unlikely to reoffend, I was actively pursuing help, and that hurting my husband didn’t seem like the right answer.

I parted ways with her and told him in the midst of starting with a second therapist. I didn’t need to tell him for me to work on myself, but I didn’t know what could be done about our marriage, and the only way I could move forward was to tell him all that had happened so we could work through that answer together. Admittedly, I was willing to lose the marriage, but still terrified at the same time. I numbed myself so much that exiting seemed like the better choice but something in me knew I was not in a state to make a decision that paramount, and if I did I still felt he deserved to know why his decades long, seemingly happy marriage was coming to an end

Most ws who have come here either confessed or were found out. But I do know we have one that didn’t confess and seemed to do the work on his own. We have another hanging out in the forum now that has kept the secret for decades and who feels there never will be true emotional intimacy until he tells, and is still working through that as far as I can tell. I feel he has tormented himself for years and as a result he distorted thoughts stoked by years of justifications. To me, this was likely the other reason I told - I was afraid I would drown in shame and never come to be an equal in my marriage and therefore would have reduced mine and my husband’s capacity for joy, happiness, and connection in our marriage.

We certainly have bs’s here who say that if their spouse worked to never reoffend, could still be healthy with the secret, and resumed the marriage without traumatizing them they would be okay not knowing.

I would advise to tell, unless of course there was potential danger of the spouse killing or maiming them. I have spoken to ws in the past who have been in physically abusive relationships. While I don’t think anyone should cheat, I don’t really feel for a wife beater. My advice in that situation is to find a way out. Just because someone has been betrayed doesn’t always mean they are a good person the ws should stay married to. Even in less obvious abusive situations. Sometimes they really should have divorced rather than cheated, so I would just say continue the exit and move on.

I personally couldn’t advocate someone not to tell in the majority of situations, but I do think there are reasonable exceptions to the rule.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:29 PM, Friday, April 25th]

I know I am in the minority here, but I wish to this day my husband had quietly ended his fxxkey and taken his secret to his grave. The pain it would have saved my children alone would have made it worth it. That being said, I also fall into the camp that infidelity, although an unfathomable pain, does not invalidate or make my marriage a sham. One thing for sure is that there is no one size fits all handbook to surviving infidelity, but it definitely terribly hurts us all.

One principle: don't hurt your BS because you want to offload your sense of guilt onto someone else - anyone.

Another principle: no lies in M or in an M-like relationship.

My W might have been able to take her A secret to her grave. Her therapist, however, told me she would have fired my W unless W came clean ... like on a phone call during an IC session. Her therapist would have demanded proof that my W came clean.

There's just a smidgen of doubt in my belief that any M will be damaged by virtually any lie.

*****

We have members who have to deal with finding out about their partner's infidelity on the partner's death bed or after their partners death. We have at least one member whose WS confess when drunk.

A lie has a life of its own. One can control one's lies only incompletely. From the liars POV, IMO, it's best to be able to choose the time of confession rather than let guilt fester and grow.

*****

Truth may hurt. I just think truth hurts less than lies do. Besides, if one tells the truth, they only have to remember the truth. If they lie, at least for a long time they'll have to remember both the truth and their lie.

I would advise to tell, unless of course there was potential danger of the spouse killing or maiming them. I have spoken to ws in the past who have been in physically abusive relationships. While I don’t think anyone should cheat, I don’t really feel for a wife beater. My advice in that situation is to find a way out. Just because someone has been betrayed doesn’t always mean they are a good person the ws should stay married to. Even in less obvious abusive situations. Sometimes they really should have divorced rather than cheated, so I would just say continue the exit and move on.

Whole heartily agree with this caveat.

This doesn't seem applicable in the outlined scenario though. Guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around the 'take it to the grave mentality'. Stunning to me it's so wide spread. Presumed the audience here would be generally be pro-exposure due to their experiences with the subject matter. Guess I'm after insight on why people outside of this realm would be pro-removing a BS's agency generally.

I am very strongly of the opinion that an act is immoral irrespective of discovery. Don't people review the logical outcomes of their statements before saying them? Some of the arguments made to keep the lie, under the guise of 'what they don't know can't hurt them' could be literally used to justify date rape.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 4:01 PM, Friday, April 25th]

I've been a take it to the grave camp in the past. The story in the original post though, she needs to come clean to allow balance to return to the relationship. Right now, she's being a Stepford wife in contrition for her betrayal. That's not healthy for her and will stunt both her and her partners abilities to be the best spouses they can be. She's not being her authentic self and her distortion of who she is to make amends will distort who he is. Yes, it's going to suck. It may permanently damage the marriage to the point of no return. I do think for that marriage to have any chance of surviving and getting to a healthy state for both of them, she needs to come clean.

In my opinion, not disclosing important information is denying the spouse agency and free will in their life. I believe that withholding the truth is cruel, and the spouse deserves the right to know the reality of their relationship. They should be able to make decisions based on facts rather than the illusions that the wife is currently creating.

WH confessed 42 yrs later. As much as it has hurt, I am thankful that he did. Until this came to light, I had always felt things were a bit off in our relationship. An absence of deep emotional connection. His secrets manifested into some unattractive behavior. We could have continued on for the next 20-30 yrs. Him being angry and detached. Me looking for opportunities to get away and do my own thing. Not that I wanted to, but being around him was getting to be a heavy load. His coming clean has opened us up to a beautiful new partnership. He is a new man. Not because he's guilt free and relieved of his burden (never gonna happen), but because he decided that I needed to know who he was. He needed to be held accountable by the one person who he harmed.

There is no way a relationship built on lies and deceit can truly flourish. The woman in your post is robbing her husband and herself of an authentic marriage. Ask me how I know.

I would not take advice from someone who has not walked in these shoes.

I think if the person has a guilty conscience, they need to come clean for their own health as well as the health of the relationship. "Take it to the grave" is fine for certain dynamics, but in a marriage, I personally believe that secrets are toxic. Heck, I apologized to my dad for telling my mom about *my* WS's affair a year before I told him and for keeping it from him, but I explained why and he forgave me.

All that said, if my WS had somehow managed to end his affair, dealt with his issues, and returned to being the guy he was when I married him, I think we would've had an okay life together. The trouble is that he couldn't do that - and I'm not sure anyone can other than a sociopath. When I found out that he'd had an EA 6 years before the LTA and tried to "bury it," it made some of the dynamic between us in those 6 years look a lot different to me. There had been a growing distance between us that I had attributed to us raising children, but now I think it was at least in part because of the EA.

Morality is a complicated thing, though. What I think ultimately matters is that two people are in agreement about their morals. If monogamy is one of the rules of their relationship and it's broken, that needs to be disclosed ASAP. The longer it's kept secret, the worse the ultimate damage.

In my case, I had to tell my betrayed partner because my affair took place in the early years of the AIDS crisis, and I had had unprotected sex (unprotected from STIs, at any rate). I knew I didn't have the right to put his life at risk without his knowledge. I confessed the next time I saw him in person (our relationship was long distance at the time).

Looking back at the years of pain he experienced, and possibly always will on some level, it's tempting to believe that if not for the physical danger, it would have been better to keep my mouth shut. I just don't believe that, though. I don't think he could have found out on his own, but he would have wondered why the OM made a sudden exit from my life (or worse yet, maybe OM would have stayed an ongoing fixture in my life/our lives, with BH trusting us). I would have had to lie, and lie some more, and the lies would have put a wall between us, even if he couldn't see it.

I also think that if I hadn't done the work, and seen what my actions had cost him, I would have been much more vulnerable to further episodes of wayward thinking. The aftermath of my affair made me a better person. I'm not saying that to justify or excuse myself, but I was broken in so many ways that I didn't realize or accept. Even after I confessed, I hid the full emotional extent of the affair and the number of encounters. I convinced myself that he knew what he needed to know in order to decide whether to stay with me. With secrets still lying between us, though, I was afraid to try to reconnect in those times when we naturally grew apart due to life and parenting and other stresses. I wasn't going to risk brushing up against the hidden third rail of our relationship. I robbed us of so much in those years, even though I never cheated again, or even came near it.

It's so hard to know. I don't mean to invalidate any BS who says they wish they hadn't ever found out. It's a long, hard road out after confessing, that's for sure. But it's an authentic one.

Admit the truth as soon as possible. Ongoing deception is ongoing damage. Ask anyone here that found out years later. It shatters their whole reality back to the affair.

Yes, I think the "knowledge does the harm" camp are generally cheaters themselves (20%) or haven't been cheated on (40%) leaving those that value honesty perhaps only those that have been betrayed.

The pro-lie argument only holds water under two conditions:

1) We accept the argument that denying agency doesn't inherently constitute harm (harm is only pain we are presently perceiving)

2) You successfully keep the secret to *the betrayed's* deathbed

I will never be convinced on topic (1). But for the sake of the argument, that leaves topic (2) a huge mess. Decades of lying that may unravel at any point. The WS cannot control the AP, the BS or anyone else that might find adequate information around the A and feel motivated to tell the BS.

I've often likened ongoing deception after the affair to water damage behind the walls of a house. That you can't see it doesn't mean that the house isn't being damaged. Ignoring it is extremely unlikely to let the house survive the duration of the life of the inhabitant. The rot eventually reveals itself.

EDIT: To add a non-ethical spin on this. She is a wayward spouse and is still wayward in her thinking. At some point she will built up secret resentment against her husband despite her behavior being a sort of self-flagellation. "I slave on my husband and he doesn't know why and he doesn't notice. You know what, I deserve someone that loves me just for being me. It didn't hurt him before, so it won't hurt him now." These types of thoughts are EXTREMELY likely to enter her mind.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:56 PM, Friday, April 25th]

I saw the same post....breaks my heart so many support such a lie. It is disgusting. I commented on it as follows.

"Completely agree with the person who said.....read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

You really must tell him if you want true intimacy. You see....this has affected you and your marriage much more than you know. It lingers in the back of your heart and conscience....eroding truth and intimacy.

You need to take accountability for your actions. It is right for your husband to know his reality. What you did and are doing is actually abuse. Tell him and beg for forgiveness and make amends. Be the woman who cherishes and helps his heart heal.

I will say this, the truth shall set you free. Commit this to Christ....He can forgive and restore you. He loves repentance and forgiving. He can heal and grow your husband. He can make your marriage better than ever imagined.

Please tell him. And my oh my, make sure the child is his before you confess. If she is not, there is a whole new level of reality he needs to process.

What you did was utterly horrible, but it can be overcome. It will take time. I pray for you.🙏"

Dr S, the application of logic requires accepting given facts. You know, like if X then Y. If the wife truly loves the husband, and he loves her, why hand him the shit sandwich? According to your facts, the marriage was presently in good shape. You do not fix what is not broken. Some have commented that the wife will likely cheat again. Respectfully, that was not a given in your scenario. It may be a truism in the real world, but it is not true in all cases and in any event was not part of your scenario. Even if it became a fact, then he would cross that bridge if they ever got there and he’d be no worse off than if he knew of the original affair beforehand. In the meantime if she keeps on being a great wife the husband will never need to "exercise his agency." As for your inquiry about my situation, I discovered the emotional affair while it was still going on, so the facts are inapposite to your givens. But, if my wife had terminated the affair before I learned of it and had self-corrected, I would not need or want to know I had been betrayed. I could have been spared thousands of hours of mind movies, revenge fantasies, anger, doubts, sleepless nights, and depression. Would I be living in a fairy tale? Yes. So what?