SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey SI, I felt a pull to post this evening for some reason so here we go. Sorry for the rambling brain dump.

I’ve been pondering my perpetual stuck-ness and noticing that it feels wrong to leave but it feels wrong to stay. I’ve read the book too good to leave but too bad to stay but it hasn’t helped me get any clearer.

He is my family, his family are my family, we had a life plan we were building and making memories together. There’s a safety between us. I love the smell of him on the pillows and feel a soul connection between us.

Equally however, there’s resentment. Whilst there’s love between us, there’s no affection, I don’t want to hold his hand and we don’t have sex. I notice that I’m more cynical now towards men in general and relationships. I feel a deep sense that I won’t find sometime else or have children.

I value having that long shared history. He was always the person I envisioned the father of my kids and that’s mostly why I stayed but I haven’t been able to let go to properly invest in R and rebuild.

It’s 18 months since d-day and I’m still stuck and I am angry at myself for not deciding for giving too much grace when life is short, for letting more of my years go without intention or action. Also I feel awful that I’m still feeling this much ambiguity everyone deserves to be loved even him and it’s not fair my being on the fence still. I think an overwhelming sense I have is judgement. From me to myself, from friends and family, from strangers I don’t even know who know our situation. The shame and embarrassment at staying is exhausting. The fear that if we did rebuild and start a family that our kid wouldn’t be loved or treated the same as others because of how people feel about wayward bf. Because of this, I notice that I’m isolating and pulling away from loved ones. I did remedy this last month but I feel the continued pull to isolate still lingering within at the moment. Like I’m safer alone or just with him.

I wish I was bolder and braver to just say it how it is.

What am I scared of? Hurting his feelings, the relationship ending

Why? I feel sorry for him (he doesn’t have huge support network or friendship group), I don’t want to be without him

But when I am with him lately his voice grates on my nervous system, everything he does annoys me or I find fault in.

I don’t want to regret staying somewhere where we’re not moving forward with our plans or goals, but I don’t want to regret leaving when I’m not fully committing or acting as loving as I once did.

I want to let go. I want to R so this extra time invested hasn’t been for nothing. So people can’t say I told you so. Because we are strong enough to get though tough times. Because everyone relationship has struggles and his affair was our one. Because we are a team and always have been.

I want to let go and either commit fully to R or to let go of my fantasies of our relationship and move on and let go of life and life’s timelines and just be and just breathe.

I just want to be free from the mental torment.

I miss when I didn’t spend every waking minute thinking about my relationship or questioning my life decisions; when I could live each day pure peace. I want peace. I want strength. I want love. I want family. I want a team. I want laughter. I want joy.

How do you let go?

How do you decide something’s worth fighting for?

How do you feel confident in a decision you’ve made?

How do you move forward when a situation is too bad to stay but too good to leave?

Not sure if this made sense but needed to get it out of my head. Thank you.

For me, the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. XWH wasn't going to change and he wouldn't keep his hands to himself. I wasn't going to stick around for him to continue cheating, giving other women attention and ignoring me.

Since the D, I have felt so much more peace and contentment - and freedom to do what I want when I want.

You seem to have been feeling this stuck way for quite some time. You don’t want to leave, but you don’t feel attracted to him or trusting enough to have real intimacy or enjoy being in a relationship with him. .

You also seem to think that that’s all on you, and that it’s just on you to move on, forget what he did, and then all will be reconciled. Gently, it just isn’t so. There’s a reason that it is said so many times on these boards that reconciliation takes both of you being committed to doing what’s necessary.

You can decide to do whatever you want, but you can’t reconcile just because you want to. That depends on him too, and because he cheated for 4 years, it’s mostly on him. The best you can hope for if he has not accepted FULL responsibility, not only for his affair but for its horrible effects on you and your life, is probably something similar to what you’re feeling right now. If he hasn’t done the real work to figure out how he could betray you so badly for 4 years and accept the consequences for both of you, you’re not going to actually reconcile, even if you stay.

So rather than ask you why you can’t just make up your mind:

Has he done the work to become the man that he should be and the man that you deserve? Is he disgusted by his own affair behavior? Is he completely honest and open with you now about everything, including transparency in all social media and communications?

Is he truly sorry and sincerely apologetic and supportive every single day? Has he ever been that? Is he grateful every day that you are still there or does he push for you to move on?

Does he comfort you and answer all your questions when you need him to?

If not, you’re not going to be able to reconcile because HE isn’t reconciliation material. NO MATTER WHAT you decide, you won’t be able to get to reconciliation.

What you can do is decide to stay anyway, for whatever reason. For the hope that things will somehow change. For the remnants of the history and dreams and beliefs that you had about your relationship (the ones that weren’t true in the first place). For the idea of having a baby with a man that you don’t want to touch you. For financial security. For appearances and fear of what others will think. Or for no reason at all. It really is your life, and you get to decide what works best for you.

But you won’t be reconciled, and your own feelings that you have kept trying to shove down will continue to torment you. You can’t reconcile alone. You can’t just get over it without dealing with it and without a partner who really gets it.

Only you can say if what and who he is now can possibly give you what you need. I’d just say that my guess is that your ambivalence is not just about you but also about the fact that he hasn’t done the work and isn’t who you need him to be to reconcile with him. Maybe you keep trying to blame yourself for not being able to move on because you don’t see any other option that involves him doing the right things.

It seems like you’re trying to negate your own feelings in order to stay. You’re thinking about your family and his family and him and what other people will think and your age and your history and your sunk costs and your hopes. But over and over you come back and talk about your mental torment and how ambivalent and distant you feel—not just from him now, but from others that you care about. You’re shutting yourself and what you need down to try to make this work.

Gently, you can let go whenever you decide to. The world won’t stop. Your life will go on. You will be okay.

You can also decide to stay whenever you want to for whatever reason.

In my opinion, the worst is to stay in limbo, not together but still stuck in his company, tortured by what has happened and the circle of hell that is living with the loss of what you loved and the person who took it away. You may decide that’s what you’re going to do. Lots of people decide to do that for lots of reasons. But if you do, you’d honestly be better off being honest with yourself instead of telling yourself that you’re waiting for something that might happen or working on some kind of solution.

This might not be you at all. It’s just what I’ve felt reading your posts. I’ve lived where you are. I’ve wasted a lot of time there waiting for my WH to do something to fix himself and what he did to our family. It got better for me when I began to tell myself the truth about how likely that was (not) and start taking care of myself and thinking about what I want for my (not our) future.

I hope for you that you find peace and a road to happiness, whatever path you choose.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 6:47 AM, Monday, April 28th]

Thanks Leafields, I don’t think with my WP that he is still cheating (that I’m aware of). Just whether the damage is already done. I don’t know. I like our life but I think maybe I’m romanticising it in my head too much to see clearly.

Nowwhat106 - thank you. That was a really profound response, I will read that over and over to sink in. I probably have been feeling stuck for a long time and I think I’ve been letting life happen and this R to happen without ever fully making a decision on it like he slowly moved back into the house we slowly did more things together and got back to our normal routine. I just wanted him around. I wanted to go back to normal with our lives. I didn’t want some stranger to think she could tear up my family. I craved that closeness and connection with him - I’m not sure where that’s gone now though.

Looking at the work that he’s done, he has taken full accountability for it and he is open and transparent if I have a question him or ask to look at his phone etc.

Is he truly sorry? I think he’s ashamed of himself and wishes he never did it. Apparently, he tried to end things a couple of times during the four years and they’d have periods of not talking, but clearly he didn’t try very hard.

Is he grateful that I’m still around at the moment? Perhaps internally but he doesn’t demonstrate any behaviour that indicates this I would expect more attentiveness from him more closeness. We had a bit of this at the start of this R attempt, but I’ve probably been a bit cold towards him and he did say last year that he doesn’t want to show affection or say I love you because I don’t do those things for him.

Definitely agree that my ambivalence is probably about him as well as me and I’m pushing down my feelings.

I think I’m scared this is just who I am now and maybe I won’t be able to show affection or show love towards a new partner in the way that I used to show him before I knew. Or maybe it is just because I’m so much in my head about our situation that I can’t be those things with him.

I definitely don’t want to be in a limbo relationship for the rest of my life.

What steps did you take to start to let go and decide on life for yourself?

LittleRedRobin23— I can so relate to this post as well. I don’t know if my WS is truly sorry. I think he’s super shamed but I also think he’s still feeling sorry for himself more than feeling bad her hurt me or his family. He claims that’s not true but the fact that he still freezes when I get triggered is why I think that. So yeah, I too feel stuck. It’s too bad to stay but too good to leave… I read that somewhere, not sure if it was here or somewhere else. My brain is all over the place.

So much empathy for you Little Red Robin. I can see so many similarities and I also know so many people know our situation which is embarrassing and I too worry about the impact on my children. But I try not to dwell too much on it and most people are wrapped in their own lives to care too much about mine so I try and put that to one side.

I also cannot show any affection at all (I was bad before but cannot at all now) but feel stuck in my marriage for so many different reasons (financial, emotional, better the devil I know) so I know how hard it is to leave.

Did you ever get that space away from him to see how you feel? Maybe you might find yourself happier without him. A temporary separation.

@LittleRedRobin - your post resonates with me as well. Been 20 months, and I'm stuck on the fence in limbo as well. I'm so sorry you are there too, don't think I'd wish this on my worst enemy.

I miss when I didn’t spend every waking minute thinking about my relationship or questioning my life decisions; when I could live each day pure peace. I want peace. I want strength. I want love. I want family. I want a team. I want laughter. I want joy.

I miss that SOOO much too and am so scared of the same,

I think I’m scared this is just who I am now and maybe I won’t be able to show affection or show love towards a new partner in the way that I used to show him before I knew. Or maybe it is just because I’m so much in my head about our situation that I can’t be those things with him.

@NowWhat very thoughtful response I will keep rereading.

Although we can be intimate it's not the same and I can't kiss him, which is heartbreaking for both of us.

I wish for peace and joy for you.

It’s awful so many of us feel this stuckness and living in limbo! I guess it helps knowing we’re not alone and so these feelings are normal but hopefully we can work through and get out of it!

Lemonpie - you’re right people are more wrapped up in their own lives to care too much about other people. Maybe the most judgement is coming from ourselves! I did have a few days away recently without him which was so nice but I feel so heavy with everything again now I’m back. I think I probably need a longer period apart.

I think I want to love him again because I like(d)? our life together but it’s letting go to allow myself to do that.. but maybe what people’s feedback is leaning towards is I’m probably losing myself in the process like forcing a square peg in a round hole.

Urgh!

The answer to the question of what I did to let go is long, complicated and took years, but it began with a flash realization that who he was in my mind was not who he was in real life and that keeping my fantasy of him was hurting me, actively, daily.

What happened was that for 5 years after d-day, he did none of what I’d asked him to do, none of what I’d told him I needed to help me heal. Instead, he had his reasons for believing that what was more comfortable for him was actually better for me and my healing. He argued with me about my own feelings and what I needed to heal. This went something like: It’s not healthy to continue to talk about what happened. It’s painful to you (and him) when we talk about it, so we shouldn’t. I know you said that you needed me to do X and I said I would, but then I decided that it wouldn’t help US, so I didn’t do it. And a million other things like that.

And I was blinded by the fact that I still believed that the guy that existed in my mind and my fond memories and my plans and my history was the guy that I was interacting with. I told myself that he had gone through some kind of crisis but that he was definitely in there somewhere. I COULD NOT believe that he would see the trauma and devastation that his actions had caused for me and not move heaven and earth to make it right because that was the person that existed in my mind.

Spoiler alert: that’s the only place that guy was real. I know that you believe that the person that you loved is still in him somewhere. I believed that too.

But the thing that i want you to really hear is that I did this for FIVE YEARS. FIVE. While he showed me in a thousand ways that I had been very wrong about who he really was and what kind of love and intimacy he was (not) capable of. I just would not believe that what I was seeing was real. The narrative of him and us was just too strong in my mind. Over and over I begged him to get the help he needed to become a safe partner. Over and over I begged him to see what I was going through and hear what I needed.

One morning, I woke up in bed and before I was fully awake, a voice came to me with complete clarity. It said: He hasn’t done what you begged him to do BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO. Not because he’s trying but it’s really hard. Not because he doesn’t really understand or see. Not because he believes that he’s protecting me. He. Just. Doesn’t. Want. To. It’s hard. It’s uncomfortable. It makes him feel ashamed. Whatever. Mostly, he just thinks that he gets to make all the choices. Still. After everything that he did to me and our kids, he still thought that all the shots were his to call and all the terms were his to set.

I went into the bathroom, took off my wedding ring, and never put it back on.

So that’s me. But it STILL took even more time for me to really let go of the idea of our family and my marriage and him as I’d envisioned him.

So I’ll again say that you keep talking as if it’s all up to you. You just need to decide to love him again. I’m going to say again that HE has a role to play here. Not the HE that you think he is, but the real him.

When you say you have to decide to love him again, do you mean decide to love the him that you thought he was before you found out that 4 years of your relationship he was sleeping with someone else and coming home to you and looking you in the eye. Or do you mean the REAL him that you are living with now. You know, the one that you can’t really bring yourself to touch. The one that doesn’t love you the way that you need to be loved.

And here’s the big red flag for me: He says he’s not affectionate and loving to you because YOU AREN’T LOVING TO HIM. Sister, you loved him for 4 years while he was being a complete shit to you and having an affair. You weren’t loving to him based on him being loving to you. YOU WERE JUST LOVING BECAUSE YOU FELT LOVE FOR HIM. His love and affection are transactional. He only gives if he feels that he’s received his due first.

If he were remorseful. If he really loved you the way you deserve to be loved and cared about the devastation that he’s caused, he’d be loving to you around the clock and grateful that you will still spend a second in the same room with him. He wouldn’t be withholding love and affection (and yes, that’s EXACTLY what he’s doing) that he knows you crave and need from him because he hasn’t gotten paid yet.

This was my WH. Love was transactional. From everything you’ve said, that’s not at all the kind of love that you want for yourself and YOUR FUTURE CHILD. If you can learn from hearing it from me, this is my WH. He loves based on what he receives from others. So when our kids weren’t super loving with him, as can happen with kids, he was withholding. He was jealous of the attention they got. He felt they were too much work sometimes.

Please really think about a future with this person and most especially, think beyond the notion you have in your mind of that lovely imaginary family with him and think about having a child with the REAL person that you live with now.

I guess that’s my answer. When you begin to let go of the image and the memories colored by your love and start to really look at who he shows himself to be every day, really, through his actions and words, that will be how you begin to be able to make better decisions. It’s really really hard to let go of the person in our minds and see the reality of the person who betrayed us, but it’s really really necessary.

I hope this helps and isn’t too harsh. Peace too you.

LRR23,

Please think about what you want in a few scenarios.
1) He takes another 18 months to pull his head out of his ass.
2) He takes another 3 years to pull his head out of his ass.
3) He never changes.
4) Over the next couple years he "gets" it and starts to make changes,

And now put children into this scenario. Will that make it better? Or will he be resentful that your attention is often on the children, not him. If you split, would he be a good candidate to co-parent? Or will he continue be selfish?

And now what if things don’t improve and you miss your window to have kids more easily? Will you resent him?

And which do you really think is the most likely given what you know? Deep down inside - what do you think?

My XWS had a 2 year A, so I know how hard it is for the BS. And your WS’s A was 1/3 of your relationship. That hurts. I am so sorry.

As for the judgement- fuck that noise. Everyone really is busy with their own messy lives and their opinions just don’t matter. They don’t matter.

Are you in IC? IC can help you get out of the stuck-ness you are in.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but we get only one precious life.