SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@ff4152, that is an excellent question. I have been trying to find the best way to explain it because it feels so different from all the other times. It feels like a fog has lifted. Like literally a fog. I feel like I was in a dream state and had gone deeper and deeper into denial, until it just became a consistent part of my life. The A became a parallel life, and I found a way to decompartmentalize it all. I don't know why, but somehow my ability to do that has gone away. I can't unsee what is really happening. I can't pretend anymore. And I also can't keep not dealing with what is wrong in my marriage and what is broken in me, and how those things led to this. I finally realized that the things I was looking for or looking to escape cannot be found or escaped through this of any other A. The A was an illusion. Above all, I guess I finally have the courage to unpack it, even if it means losing my marriage in the process, which may happen ... not just because of the A, but because there are lots of things that may be beyond fixing at home.

Above all it finally occurred to my dumb ass that R cannot happen unless there is no outside interference, and that my BH never stood a chance because I ran to my AP every time the things I wanted to work on went ignored for several months or years. It may have taken a long time, but the backsliding always happened. My need to be seen and heard became all consuming. Now I realize that *I needed to see and hear *myself first, and that one wrong does not make another right.

My feelings for the AP have changed so much and I don't know why. In the past it felt like I had to give up the A because it was "the right thing to do." It was about how it would affect and devastate my BH and about how it would look to others. It was about shame and guilt too, but my actions to R were superficial and temporary, and above all else, tied to my BH changing. That was a big deal. Like a conditional apology, not a real one.

Now ending the A is simply what I genuinely want to do. To my core. I feel fundamental shift even when I talk about it. Like the spell was broken. The NC has not been hard at all ... which is new as well! Really new! Something has shifted inside me. And my focus is not just on me me me me, but on us us us ... meaning me and my BH. Maybe I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. The secrecy was exhausting and I became someone else over the years. I became two people, and it feels like the two are re-integrating into the one original person who had a moral center. My dad who was a philander and who abused me as a child finally died. Maybe it's that too. I know all of those things are related and am talking to my IC about it.

The lifting of the fog feels like finally remembering who you are deep down and not being able to live like an asshole anymore. All I know is that right now in this moment, I have no desire to go back to that life, and have no desire to be with him even if my marriage is over. That is a huge one for me. Hard to explain why but that is how I feel right now. I know it is a one day at a time thing and this is like any sobriety journey, and your question is very fair and reasonable. What I have written is the best way I can explain it.

[This message edited by dlvp at 11:07 PM, Tuesday, July 29th]

@OnTheOtherSideOfHell thank you for sharing your perspective. What you are describing is often what I think my husband would say. "Just end it, unfuck yourself and be my wife again. And don't talk about it at all. Just be done." It feels like that is what the refusal to talk about it might mean, (in addition to him just feeling trapped, frozen, angry and all the other things) but I can't know this without bringing it up, so it is a Catch 22. That is why I posted. I really appreciate you speaking on it and sharing how you feel. It is so helpful to read these different responses. I have stopped tying my decisions about my behavior to how HE is behaving in this marriage. That is the biggest change. I am so sorry about your daughters. I WAS like your daughters ... my dad cheated and I swore I never would. So I hope your daughters realize that they are better than that and that they are worthy of beautiful happy lives with trustworthy partners who they can in turn be faithful to. So sorry for what happened to you.

Thank you. I don’t think my daughters would ever have the desire to cheat. They are wired like me. I never cheated, not out of respect for my husband, but out of respect for myself and love for the safety and security of my girls. Romance has never been a priority for me so when it was lacking in my marriage I’d enjoy other aspects of life and what marriage offered. Relationships ebb and flow and the thought of cheating when it ebbed was just not ever a craving 🤷‍♀️. I wish you well and healing whatever you decide is best for you and your husband. Remember, you nor your marriage is defined by the worst thing you ever did.

This is an incredibly difficult situation, and my advice comes from a place of genuine concern for your husband's well-being. I offer this as my sincere perspective, acknowledging that it might not align with your current feelings, but hoping it provides a different side of the argument for consideration.

From what you've outlined, I genuinely struggle to see how you can be considered a safe partner for him, or indeed, for anyone else, at this moment. The repeated and sustained nature of the infidelity you've described—a 14-year on-and-off affair—speaks to a deeply ingrained pattern of deception. Trustworthiness is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and a history of such extensive falsehoods fundamentally erodes that foundation. It's clear from your account that your husband is enduring his own personal demons, and he may be grappling with his own internal struggles; your continued infidelity simply cannot be helping him; in fact, it's likely exacerbating any existing vulnerabilities he has.

If witnessing his profound pain during the initial admission wasn't enough to make you stop the affair and commit unequivocally to fidelity, it's incredibly difficult to confidently assert that anything will truly change your behavior. Genuine transformation is not a quick fix; it requires years of hard, consistent work and a fundamental shift in character. One does not become a truly good and trustworthy person in a mere month. I've encountered countless accounts from individuals who, as wayward spouses, saw the agony they caused their partners upon discovery, and it drove them to near-suicidal levels of despair. I simply cannot comprehend how one could experience that profound impact once and then backslide into continued betrayal.

Yes, you may have grown bored of your affair partner, and in that sense, your husband might feel he "wins by default." However, your feelings changing for your affair partner should never be the primary driver for recommitting to your actual husband. While some will argue that redemption is possible, it is an incredibly long and arduous road, demanding profound, consistent effort over many years. I do not believe it is fair to ask your husband to endure this agonizing path with you while you attempt to build a decent moral character. He is the injured party, and his healing should be paramount, not secondary to your journey of self-improvement.

A 14-year on-and-off affair is, for many, is unforgivable in its sheer duration and depth of betrayal. You somehow found someone in the extraordinarily small percent of people willing to even consider forgiving this breach of trust. The continuation of this affair on top of that should, in my personal opinion, be far too heavy a burden for anyone to bear. I do not believe any relationship should go on after what you've done. Irrespective of any of his own issues that might make him cling to the marriage, I personally think you should consider putting him out of his misery. He is likely trapped in a cycle of pain and false hope, desperately trying to reconcile with a version of you that doesn't align with your past actions. Ending the marriage, while painful in the short term, could ultimately be the act of compassion that allows him to genuinely heal and build a life founded on truth and trust.

I'm sure many will disagree but I look at marriages like this as pets with terminal diseases, you wouldn't put a dog through this pain, you'd ultimately have them euthanized out of care and love. My recommendation is to do likewise with your marriage.

@DRSOOLERS thank you for weighing in. Your opinion is one I myself have considered often and have agreed with at times. I understand what I have done is wrong. I also have seen redemption and reversal of behavior in all kinds of people who are willing to get counseling and help, and I think you may be underestimating me and my husband and our capacity to heal. I can understand why and respect your opinion and understand it, but I am betting on me and on my marriage. I do believe this marriage can be saved.

I also know that the underlying reasons for how someone who was a staunch monogamist their entire life could turn into who I have become starting at age 45 are finally being discussed and revealed in IC. There are many things that led to the affair. I had not dealt with my history as a sexually abused child of an alcoholic, philandering father. I thought I had dealt with it, but I had not. Then in a strange but all too common twist of fate, I became the very thing I hated, feared and loathed about my dad. On top of that, I married someone who was emotionally unavailable and had intimacy issues (like my mother) probably to keep myself safe in an odd way.

What I did not realize till after we were married is that my husband too had some major emotional issues that he had never addressed. My husband has a compulsive gambling problem, and there is lying and hiding going on on his part that we have fought over for years. There is emotional disconnection. There is workaholism. There is escape into poker over his wife. There is denial and a refusal to acknowledge the problem or get help. I started to leave years ago and warned that this behavior would lead to the end of our marriage. Nothing changed. I probably should have left. Instead, I fell in l love with a friend who listened and it turned into more.

When I realized that the A was not a solution I stopped it and confessed. My husband forgave me and changed his ways and I changed mine. We connected more. We worked on things. Then he went back to his habit and I ran back to my escape and settled there ... breaking it off when I could no longer bear what I was doing to my marriage but then getting angry and running away again. This has been the cycle all these years.

So you have two people not dealing with their shit and cheating in different ways. NO is does not excuse what I did, but it does give context into how it all started, this combination of two broken people not dealing with their problems and not being honest. He does not want to give up his habit so he subliminally puts up with what he suspects is going on, or uses it to justify his habit (which it turns out started long before I met him.) I didn't want to give up my escape and was too cowardly to leave the marriage. Now I am awake. The fog has lifted. Finally. I did not become "bored" of my affair partner ... I just finally saw him and the A for what it is: an escape from reality, a drug, a toxic chemical, a temporary high, a way to numb oneself, and a relationship killer that continues to keep someone in a cycle of betrayal of their partners and themselves really. I woke up. I don't know how else to put it.

That said, we both need to get help. None of it is ok, and clearly we have major problems and need counseling. I rarely talk about what he is doing because I don't want to shift blame or make excuses. I am wrong in my behavior no matter what. If he leaves I would not blame him. My hope however is that we can finally get the help we both need and start over, because I believe we are each other's best option as a life partner. There is so much good and joy that no one sees, so many good times, and so much love. I am sure most would say love cannot exist while someone is also doing shitty things, but I do not believe that. I believe we love each other but we don't love ourselves. I am going to come clean and see what he says and whether he is open to counseling. It will be a one day at a time process, but I am not going to run away from accountability or truth anymore. I will deserve whatever the outcome is. But I do not think this is impossible to repair. You may be right, but I am going to try anyway.

What I appreciate the most about this forum is that people for the most part are willing to be frank and blunt. Your comment was no exception and I am grateful for it and I hear you. And, I really will consider what you are saying about leaving for his sake. That option is plausible and possibly the right one. I won't know until we talk. In the mean time, thank you for what you wrote and how you wrote it. Every response here has been helpful and eye opening. That is why I am here. To gain perspective and seek help. So thank you.

[This message edited by dlvp at 4:07 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

@OntheOtherSideofHell thank you for saying this: "Remember, you nor your marriage is defined by the worst thing you ever did." At first that sounded like "you are not accountable" which is NOT true of course, but now I think I hear what you a mean and I will carry that with me as I proceed. Thank you so much.