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General :
Now I realize i have unresolved trauma from xBF sleeping with prostitutes for our whole 5 year relationship

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 lizziej (original poster member #55651) posted at 7:16 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

I now realizing I have unresolved ptsd from a former relationship that ended 40 years ago. I discovered my live in boyfriend was sleeping with prostitutes our whole relationship when I found a Condom wrapper in the pocket of a jacket I had borrowed from him. He was too stupid to think of a lie and admitted he.eas constantly sleeping with hookers.

So many things suddenly made sense. We lived in a small town and he was constantly taking of for long weekends to go to the city to see frienda without me. Aka sleep with hookers. When we went to town and stayed at my parents or a friends he would mysteriously disappear for hours. I had no clue this was happening. I knew he had slept with prostitutes before our relationship and found out ( from his sister) he had developed an attachment to one and wanted to save her from her addictions and have her as his girlfriend. But I was so young and naive then

The day after d day he proposed , then 2 days later took it back. The next day there was a traumatic experience in which a temporary roommate died in our living room. I blamed myself ( it wasn't my fault at all) and this caused so much trauma I was paralysed. I was in a mental health crisis but had no help and the boyfriend would leave me for days at a time, sitting in the tiny apartment where this friend died too scared to move.

I couldn't deal with the betrayal in top of thus so I stayed for another horrible year, till I became friends with y now husband and he gave me the courage to leave although he didn't know amy of the details except my bf was an ass.

I never told anyone until 2017 when I told my husband as we were dealing with his betrayal. It wasn't until then, 30 years after the fact that I realized I had been given 3 stds ( the Dr at the time didn't call them stds duh, ) also lice and scabies. I didn't connect it all until so many years later.

Now with this most recent betrayal by my husband and discovering he had used porn habitually for 25 years, this early betrayal and surrounding trauma is coming back too me.

Is this normal to be triggered so many years later?

[This message edited by lizziej at 4:12 AM, Monday, July 28th]

The innapropriate behaviour all makes sense now, he was a porn addict for 25 years.

D-day1 2002 or '4 (rugswept dating profile) same in 2010. 2011-14 innappropriate messaging, active profiles seeking nsa sex. R (?) 2014-18 Started again probably 23

posts: 210   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016
id 8873554
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:11 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

Yes, it seems there isn't a timeframe for flashbacks if you've not treated the problem. You may wish to look into EMDR therapy. It was created to treat PTSD and you may find it helpful.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 4626   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8873558
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BondJaneBond ( new member #82665) posted at 8:41 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

Yes, flashbacks to a traumatic event even in the distance past are very normal. The past is never fully past, it's part of us, who we became, who we are, how we think and react. It's not something like a piece of wood falling, it's not separate from us. It IS us. So what is going on with you now has triggered these memories, these issues that feel similarly in some ways, that bring out similar feelings and reactions. They pile on each other. I think the idea of seeing a trauma specialist is a good one, and I have heard positive things about EMDR especially as you seem to have very specific memories of an incident rather than just a long term pattern of, say, abuse. This IS very normal though, and common.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 8:42 PM, Sunday, July 27th]

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Use anger as a tool and mercy as a balm.

posts: 38   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8873562
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:33 PM on Sunday, July 27th, 2025

I can understand how and why you feel the way you do.

Enough is enough! Not sure why people think it’s ok to cheat. It’s such a cowardly thing to do.

You are hopefully seeking counseling to try to come to terms with all of this.

How can we help you here at SI?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14818   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8873565
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 lizziej (original poster member #55651) posted at 4:17 AM on Monday, July 28th, 2025

Thank you for the replies.

I am not sure how SI can help me with this but I appreciate the suggestions for Ic especially emdr. We had been talking about hubby going to IC with a CsAT, and then doing joint sessions with that person to follow up. We put it in our hoals list to do the research this week, and I suggested that I should get ic as well.

I'm not sure how we are going to pay for it as insurance doesn't cover it, however we will make it work as not dealing with this last time set us up for a repetition.

The innapropriate behaviour all makes sense now, he was a porn addict for 25 years.

D-day1 2002 or '4 (rugswept dating profile) same in 2010. 2011-14 innappropriate messaging, active profiles seeking nsa sex. R (?) 2014-18 Started again probably 23

posts: 210   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016
id 8873578
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:03 AM on Monday, July 28th, 2025

Your WH definitely needs IC. A CSAT can be helpful in diagnosing whether he's SA or not. (Lundy Bancroft has a really good blog on how some people hide behind the sexual addiction moniker so they can say it's a sickness rather than address the moral deficit they have.)

IC for you to heal you, IC for him to heal him. MC can come later to work on the relationship. The MC's job is to work on the relationship. The M didn't cheat - he did. Work on that first. There are some bad stories on SI about how MC did so much damage to the BS and enabled the WS. Please be careful if/when you start MC.

Also, rethink doing MC with the person that does IC with your WH. The IC may be more invested in your WH and not focus on what you're bringing to the table and could be a violation of ethics. (Yes, I know that I'll catch some flack for this.)

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 4626   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8873583
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 lizziej (original poster member #55651) posted at 7:19 AM on Monday, July 28th, 2025

Leafields- thank you for this.

Working with his csat is not for MC. It is, as I understand it, to discuss his treatment plan, and do a guided therapeutic disclosure. Mc is not even on the radar right now :)

The innapropriate behaviour all makes sense now, he was a porn addict for 25 years.

D-day1 2002 or '4 (rugswept dating profile) same in 2010. 2011-14 innappropriate messaging, active profiles seeking nsa sex. R (?) 2014-18 Started again probably 23

posts: 210   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2016
id 8873585
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:47 PM on Monday, July 28th, 2025

We saw W's IC on d-day. I expected a mediocre experience and was prepared for a bad one, but W's IC started with the A and W's responsibility for her choices, and W took in the confrontations, so we continued with W' one person as W's IC and our MC. When I committed to R, I asked our C to be my IC, too.

The C thought about it for several days and then recommended another IC for me. She said, she could act in all 3 roles if my interests and my W's coincided, but we couldn't guarantee that. She just didn't want to take the risk of having to choose between W, our relationship, and me. It was tough enough on her to keep the 2 roles (W's IC, our MC) separate.

She's a terrific therapist. It's rare for a C to be good enough to act in 2 roles. I'd mistrust anyone who took on all 3 roles - smacks of grandiosity, IMO.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31184   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8873600
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