SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, been a little while since I posted. I very much seem to be on a huge roller coaster ride. I am famous for holding my feelings in, a grin and bear it kind of gal. Unfortunately, this does not work when trying to R from an A. I hold it in, then let it rip. I’m finally seeing the pattern clearly. I stopped IC in November. I was supposed to be having conversations about the A with WS every week, so I don’t hold it in, then drive myself crazy with intrusive thoughts. I didn’t do very good with that homework as I hated to bring it up. Then I kind of explode at WS. I’m not a yeller, hitter, screamer or anthing like that, my explode = sad, withdrawn, fake happiness and finally "dude WTF did you do to me".

I hit a very low in March/April, to the point where I thought I was done. I wrote a big letter and suggested a trial separation. This was met with panic and I’ll do anything for you to save our marriage. I realized in all my thinking that he has done NOTHING to help us heal. I’ve done the IC, the research, the questioning, the everything. He is now in IC. I don’t know what to expect from IC for him, or me. I did learn he had been lying about a gift he received from her, that he kept. He says he has now thrown it away. I did post about that if you want to look for my post about a water bottle. I am shocked there was still a lie he was sticking with.

My question: do these roller coaster rides go away? After I "confront" him and tell him what I’m feeling, I do feel better, but I hate this ride (though I love roller coasters IRL!) I want to be done with it. I can’t imagine this ever going away. I have been asking myself, am I better off with him, or without him. I don’t know.

Since this is a R forum, not sure if anyone can aswer this question, for anyone who tried R, then got a D, did that help you stop thinking/being consumed at times with the A?

Thanks for reading and any thoughts!

...for anyone who tried R, then got a D, did that help you stop thinking/being consumed at times with the A?

Yup! Sure did.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. Forget about reconciliation and your marriage, your WH, for a while and focus on you.

Too many BS try soooo hard to reconcile that they lose themselves in the process. You can't reconcile alone.

Step-back and detach. Focus on you and getting off the Rollercoaster from Hell.

Once you've found your own peace... of mind, body and soul... things will become much clearer to you, including, especially, the choices before you.

I think about all of my WH affairs every day and I am 7 years out.

Unhinged: thank you. Ugg. I appreciate your thoughts. And you are right, I do need to focus on me and get off this rollercoaster. I’m not sure how to do that! Ha! I wonder if I should go back to IC. Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry ( I think ) your R didn’t work out for you, but it appears you gave it a good try!

1girlsmom: thanks for sharing as well. I assume you are still married? I’m sorry too. I just keep thinking for me, it will never go away!

7 years out and still think about it from time to time , but the rage and hurt is gone. Maybe it’s an ache now. But, I also know that if I’d divorced I would ache for the loss of the life I have now. Divorce doesn’t just give up a spouse. Many other aspects of my life would end as well. I read a book once that said "choose your suck" because no life is without pain. I wish you courage and speed in deciding what is best for you.