SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there,
I posted awhile back a few times and really appreciated the responses. I need some more advice. My husband has a p*rn issue and finally agreed to talk to my counselor but the counselor said my husband hung up on him when he brought up the p*rn but my husband says they had a bad connection and now he doesn't trust the counselor because it was a bad connection, he says, and he won't talk to him anymore. After that I said we need accountability software on our phones as a step to rebuild trust. He agreed to that but as a business owner he has lots of alone time driving and such and how do I know he isn't bringing along magazines or other ways to watch? Getting him to do anything for accountability or rebuilding trust is like pulling teeth, he never agrees to anything unless I say I am leaving or have another result. Also I found the website chaturb*te on his phone recently, so he hasn't just been watching, now he is talking to other women to get off. He said he didn't even click on it, and that was months ago, etc. I said this is another level, I need you to talk to a counselor as this is escalation. He said he has watched the recovery videos I gave him and they don't help and he isn't talking to a counselor. He said he will just stop on his own, but his behavior shows me he isn't. He isn't embracing honesty. I think it's time for me to tell one of his trusted, older friends and have him talk to him to see if he can make any headway, or do I just move out? Either way this is going to go more public. I have been trying to keep this more private for the sake of the kids. I just feel so done, he didn't used to be like this, this has grown into a problem so I know deep down he doesn't want to lose me but just not sure what to try next. My counselor wasn't sure either so I wanted to ask here. Thank you for reading and for any help!

Candleblue, I try to think of what would my course of action would be if I had an adult child that was addicted to drugs/alcohol and refused to seek help? I personally wouldn’t want to completely abandon my son/daughter, but I would definitely have to establish some boundaries as I continued to try to intervene by encouraging them to get professional help. I then try to think… why shouldn’t I give my spouse the same courtesy if he/she were in the clutches of addiction? Pornography definitely can become a challenging addiction for several reasons including the following: 1) natural visual sexual arousal, 2) powerful neuro chemical habituation, and 3) sub-conscious coping skills developed from childhood trauma etc… It’s my personal opinion that there are probably just as many people (or more) that are addicted to porn as there are to drugs/alcohol.

I don’t suppose there is an absolute right or wrong answer here… It all depends on one’s level of tolerance and patience towards the addict, and a willingness to establish healthy boundaries while still loving them and encouraging them to seek help. If you don’t mind, I will be praying for you and your husband…

Thank you Preacher for taking the time to read and for your thoughts. I agree it looks like an addiction- he denies, and blame-shift and gaslights too. He gets very upset if I bring it up. A couple times his reaction really scared me and if he starts to yell I go for a drive or just go outside when the kids are home. He no longer yells around our kids but it’s like dealing with a child having temper tantrums and I am getting worn out. It’s the addiction talking when he gets upset. You are correct that addicts need love, and also firm boundaries. I have done a betrayal trauma program and I don’t get as triggered by his behavior but it’s still exhausting. He works harder and harder at his job and helping with chores to deal with his guilt I think and I always tell him how much I appreciate that but I also need safety. I think I will have the trusted family friend talk to him first and then move out if needed. Thank you so much for the prayers- I appreciate them more than you know

You can't make him stop. He has to make his own choices? He has to want to change his behavior. Threats of separation or divorce won't work. Calling him out to mutual friends won't work. It has to come from within.

I would recommend checking out Dr. Trish Leigh "Porn Brain Rewire" on YouTube. She has a great way to help both sides understand and move forward to healing.

I think it's time for me to tell one of his trusted, older friends and have him talk to him to see if he can make any headway, or do I just move out?

Why not both? Move out to give yourself and the kids some peace, and tell people who can support him so that you can lay down (or at least share) that burden.

For yourself, I'd suggest reading some of al-anon's materials, especially on DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). The steps you need to take now are to protect yourself and your children. Assume he's not going to change - what do you want for your life? If the answer is to leave him, then leave. Remember that a lot of addicts have to hit rock bottom before they wake up to reality, and even then, many will struggle with relapses for a long time while they are in recovery. You don't need to wait around and deal with all that unless you want to.

Threatening him or making your decisions because you think this will force him to change - these will only work in the short term. It's far healthier for you to start making choices based on what's right for you. Maybe he'll change one day, maybe he won't, but that's his responsibility. You need to look at who he is today and what he's doing right now, not his "potential" for the future.

It is really hard to "detach with empathy" as al-anon advises, and it takes a lot of inner strength to walk away from someone who is need of help, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself and for them.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 4:48 AM, Tuesday, July 29th]

Thanks everyone for the responses, that means a lot. Unhinged and No thanks for the memories you are correct, he has to want to change, and it is fully his responsibility. That part does take a weight off me. The Al-anon steps are a good idea - I didn’t realize those were part of their program. But yes very hard to detach and still have empathy. I have been trying to do that. A Christian perspective would be the same. We are taught God loves us but doesn’t love wrong behavior and we are to lovingly show someone their faults when needed, but not with a holier than though attitude. I am guessing most other religions would agree. Wood Thrush Dr Trish is the best, but we have tried that, and my husband didn’t want to watch anything of hers after a few videos. He thought she came across too strong. He really has excuses for everything. I can only do what’s best for me and the kids and see what happens from there. Thank you so much for listening and answering

Candleblue.

I feel your pain.

I have just recently found my husband has been addicted to porn for 25 years which severely affected our sex life

He voluntarily decided to make a change in all things especially our relationship about 3 months ago. He stopped watching porn at this time and has been doing all the work since then. I had many concerns about other innappropriate behaviour but I never suspected this. He voluntarily confessed to something i wouldnt have known as he hid it well.

I found video of one interactive experience, I'm pretty convinced their weren't more, She tried to sextort him which scared him. As you say the interactive porn is another level.

I am reconciling with my husband because he wanted to change and started doing the work not because I asked him to, but because he wanted to. I couldn't do the policing thing which is what accountability software feels like to me.

If he didn't want to stop and refused to do the work he would be gone. I won't live with someone who continues tochooses porn over me knowing now hoe much pain it has caused me.

Reconciliation is hard enough when both parties are putting in the effort. In your case he is clearly not willing to do any work. It sounds as if even your threat of leaving isn't enough for him to put in tje effort. I'm sorry but reality is he will likely not change.

Are you willing to accept a life where he is going to watch ßwatching porn, especially interactive porn, or at best white knuckle it, he will continue lying to you and you will have to police him? It sounds exhausting. As someone said to me accept that life or divorce. The chances of recovery with help are low but almost impossible without willingness to change and professional help.

If my husband acted like yours he would be kicked out because he would be telling me he doesn't love me enough to care.

I am so sorry for the pain you are in 💔 please do what is best for you and your kids

[This message edited by lizziej at 4:32 PM, Tuesday, July 29th]

Lizziej I am so sorry you too have had to go through this. It is so traumatic. If I didn’t find a wonderful betrayal trauma program I don’t know how I would cope- that and my faith have carried me. You are correct, my husband is being extremely disrespectful, and trying to protect my kids is why I haven’t left yet. But my kids shouldn’t be around this behavior either, it’s not fair to them. I do want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know I have tried everything and then I will have peace of mind when I leave. He used to have remorse even telling me he did things he regretted and felt so bad about it but now he doesn’t care and has changed. I think he still does care but is just wrapped up in this which I don’t think he ever intended. P*rn really warps people’s thinking and the science shows that. Because he wasn’t always like this I thought he should have a chance.

That is so amazing that your husband is willing to work on this. That will carry you both a long way with recovery. Best wishes to you both- I pray your journey is as smooth as possible and you both come out stronger on the other side. Thank you so much for your support and for sharing your story.