SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about my husband's cheating 8 months ago. I am still in the process of healing - some days are good and some days are really hard. I just noticed that my productivity has been really low and I am having a really hard time concentrating on my work. By sharing this story, I am trying to see whether I can move to the next level of my healing stage...

So, we are an international couple from 2 different countries, torn between these two countries. His country had really limited options for me to grow professionally, therefore, we lived between countries so that we both can build our careers in our respective countries. So, the marriage combined long distance with frequent calls and living together in his country for 3 years. For me, as a very stable person, this worked fine. I was under the assumption this also worked fine for him because he never raised any concerns. We have been together for 15 years and married for 13 years.

During COVID, I had to go back to my home country for work. Our plan was for me to work in my country for 3 years to gain the experience I need before deciding whether he moves to my country or we finally decide to settle down in his country. I left his country in 2021 and started working and living as a single mother taking care of my daughter with us reuniting as a family several times a year. In 2023, however, it was very hard for me and we started discussing moving back to his country because of how hard the long distance relationship was and also because his parents started to get sick making it quite impossible for him to move to my country in the near future. So, in the winter of 2024, we agreed that we will move back to his country to be with him and did so in July 2024.

I initiatied these types of conversations since winter 2022 and throughout spring 2023. However, my husband would not give me the time and space I asked for and kept ignoring me for the rest of the year until we got back together as a family. At this point, thinking that I will never get my husband to talk to me openly, I made the decision on my own in consultation with my child that we will be moving back to his country to be with our father.

After moving back in with him, I start suspecting that some things are off and he is not the same person I married. I figured maybe he was depressed. Then, I thought maybe he needed to get used to us living together as a family again. So, I tried to understand his situation and be empathetic. And then I started finding things that did not really belong to me or my child in our house. Then, finally I found someone's underwear.

This was the point I pressed my husband to explain to me whose things are in the house. This is when he told me that he had a mistress while we were away for 2 years. I asked him to divorce and kicked him out of the house. Being a foreigner I did not want to go and file for divorce on my own. He was the one who was supposed to do that. He expected that I would file for a divorce, he told me he did not love me so that I would do the work of filing for divorce and help him decide. I was not going to do the work he was supposed to do. I just wanted him to live separately from us and go back to his parents. And, that while the papers are ready he can have my child over the weekends when they are not in school.

And, he did not and instead asked for forgiveness and try to rebuild the relationship. Anyone who has a child will understand that when given the option of saving the relationship, mothers always choose to try to save the relationship. For me, divorcing would have meant my child would not see their father probably for many years to come until they can travel on their own. I definitely would not have travelled thousands of miles for them to see each other. My husband does not have the funds to afford travel to my country without my support. Initially I decided that I needed to try to work on it for the sake of my child's well-being. Then, I started seeing the effort that he puts into it. Until now, he puts a lot of work into it and tries to support my healing journey. He says he told me that he did not love me only because he wanted to be done with the whole divorce thing and because he thought divorce was very easy - just filing an application and living in two separate houses. When he realized that I was not going to do the work for him, he understood what divorce really meant - that it would mean he does not have an easy access to his family and the emotional connection that the family gives him anymore.

But I still question how could someone do something like this to the person closest to them. It is hard to believe and forgive. I love my husband but I also know that I can live in my country loving him and be a single mother and build my life anew. I do not even need a relationship in my life to feel happy. We were very happy - the two of us, myself and my child - we missed our father but we were able to live on our own and enjoy our lives. If we were divorced at the time - we would have enjoyed it even more because we would not have been missing him and we would not have been feeling guilty that we lived separately from him. I do not even know why he just did not divorce since there were so many opportunities for him to talk it out. I tried to discuss the future of our marriage so many times being long distance. And if he said, I can't do this - I would have understood. And, I would have given him the divorce that he wanted. It was difficult for me too to be far away from him but I never cheated and never even responded to flirtatious messages from colleagues or people I met. Even though sometimes I was lonely and wanted intimacy, too. But I kept my word and my love for him deepn in my heart. I would have never betrayed him. And, if I did by accident, I would have told him, asked for forgiveness and let hinm decide whether to stay with me or leave me. I feel I was not given the option at all. I feel like he trapped me by making me choose to go back to his country only for me to find out he betrayed our family.

He is doing his best to help me heal but the incredulousness of it makes me wonder what kind of person he really is... And I know he is very selfish. And, I know I am not perfect. But I am not a selfish person like him and this makes it really diffcult to understand his act and decision to hide. I still wonder what makes someone be this immature. And I know for my husband it is childhood traumas. His ACE score is 5, which is very high, whereas I grew in a loving and caring multigenerational family that cared for all children in the family and nurtured healthy and positive relationships.

Anyways, somehow I feel better now. Thanks for reading!

[This message edited by mkei at 9:33 AM, Monday, July 28th]

Please stop making excuses for him. His childhood trauma did not cause him to cheat.

That was a selfish decision he made. Because he wanted to cheat and thought he could get away with it.

I understand your desire to keep your family intact. As a mom (or dad) we often put our children first and make decisions in their best interest.

But if you are not happy and do not have a good relationship with your spouse, if you are always doubtful about him and on edge, your child will see that too.

If you can reconcile and be happy, then reconciliation will be a good decision. But if your H refuses to get professional help to understand WHY he made those choices, you will always be waiting for the next time he is selfish and decides to cheat again.

He cannot sweep this under the rug. And his avoidance of professional help is not a good start towards Reconciliation IMO.

I can understand the loneliness of a long-distance M (marriage), so I can understand the cheating. He could really mean that he wanted you, couldn't have you, and resolved his desire by cheating.

Will you say more about what your H does to show he wants the type of M you want?

I would not say we have an unhappy relationship. We are very happy as a family and have a lot of fun together. I have a great relationship with my husband, too. We have always been really good friends and we remain such. This is another reason why I decided it was good to reconcile with him.

He has been there for me throughout the whole process. He is remorseful and apologized numerous times. He always answers all of my questions and is there to talk to me whenever I need a conversation. He tries to make his best to make me feel safe again in this marriage. After 6 months, it all seemed fine. But then now at the 8th month, I start getting sad and getting triggered again. Because I still can't fathom how someone can hurt their loved one in that way.

I thought I healed a month ago and somehow now another layer of hurt is coming out and it seems so much deeper and much more unbearable than the first hurt. The first layer of feelings - feelings were sharp and I was very hurt and disappointed but this layer feels like it is deep down in my heart and mind. And I wonder how to move forward and deal with that sadness. And maybe this is related to the grief that I feel - I feel like I somehow lost the idea of the ideal marriage I imagined for myself - the idea of two young people getting married and committing themselves to each other and working out differences and overcoming challenges together as a team - just like how family deals with life's tribulations - they always come together and discuss and resolve. This is what I imagined for myself and I feel like this idea has been lost due to the betrayal. I feel very deep grief. And I don't know how to relieve the pain I feel at this loss. There must be a way forward by reimagining something different from my ideal - which I had when I married him?

[This message edited by mkei at 5:45 AM, Tuesday, July 29th]

And I think I needed to process my feelings but we have not had a conversation of what kind of marriage we want to create moving forward. I felt like it was not the right time yet to discuss this because I was not ready to re-commit fully. Now I am at a stage where I have to re-commit to him fully, perhaps, and this make me spiral back to the hurt? There is perhaps fear and lack of trust still?

This would mean for me that I will need to start trusting him again and maybe I am trying to decide whether I would like to do that.

And you are right - he felt heartbroken when we were not there for him and it was his way of soothing his hurt.

There are numerous reasons that individuals cheat and it does not justify it - there are healthier ways to cope - but I have learnt my husband has been very immature and I am asking him to grow up for me to be able to re-commit to him fully. Is this fair?

And, he is a nice person overall. He is kind-hearted. No matter what I decide in the end he will always remain a good friend to me. He also has grown so much since we started the process of reconciliation. But there is a long way to go from what I see in terms of his growth and maturity. We probably have 10-20 years of difference... even though I am younger than him. How does one mature? Is it possible to speed up the process?

SI's rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years to heal. Many of us who R say pretty ruefully that we're on the slow end of the timeline.

It's important to note that the awfulness of the 1st several months usually start to dissipate, slowly, during healing. If you're healing, you won't feel awful for 2-5 years and then magically feel good - you'll start to feel good a few seconds at a time, then a few minutes, etc. until triggers are infrequent and not terribly intense or long-lasting.

Think about it. You have to heal. He has to heal. Together you have to (re)build your M. That's more work than you'd need to do to D, where you have to heal yourself, and that's basically all.

Many of us go into a rage stage at around 6 months from d-day. Have you done that yet? I imagine some BSes don't go through rage then, but betrayal causes anger sometime.

In any case, being betrayed is traumatic. You've got to process lots of feelings. Six months isn't enough.

Ordinarily I'd expect the WS to do some serious IC. If your H cheated out of loneliness, he still has to rearrange his thinking somewhat, in case you go through another enforced separation. And there may be something more than loneliness at work in him. What is he doing to examine himself?

This is really helpful! Thank you! He is working with a professional and also doing some work on his own, too. He is trying to be there for me when I need him, sometimes leaving work. It sounds like I am probably going through the rage stage. How does it feel like? Just being angry or feeling really sad also counts? I have deep sadness and triggers, and I start asking questions again. And, today I did get very mad when a response differed from the previous one. I am a very level-headed person in general. So, yeah, this kind of scared me.

Mkei

At 6 months out it started to really dawn on me what my wife did and how deliberate and callous her actions really were. She is not dumb. She knew exactly what she was doing. She probability underestimated how much damage it would cause though.

It also started to dawn on me how slowly she was progressing in her recovery and how much resistance she was presenting.

These new realizations brought a new level of anger to the surface. Yes it was scary. For the first time since D-day I was really willing to end the relationship if I didn't see her progressing.

But it also revealed a new level of strength. I was able, with the help of the good people here, to identify my real hard boundaries, and communicate them (somewhat). The anger can be useful.

Right now I'm in the land of depression, which is better than anger but has less useful energy.